iPad 3 Released

Apple announced the release of iPad 3 today. The new release comes on the heels of Amazon’s recent release of Kindle Fire.

“We decided to make new iPad a little retro,” said spokesperson Gala Reddelicious. “We asked our engineers to go back to the drawing board and make the new iPad out of less expensive materials so we can bring cost down and make it easily affordable.”

According to the technical specifications, the iPad 3 is made of Picea Piceoideae, an element commonly found in forests throughout the world. It comes with 50 ‘pages’ that contain strategically drawn ‘lines’ that assist users while they write and draw using a special Apple stylus. The stylus is made of graphite and recycled trees. Extra 'pages' can be purchased at various office supply stores.

The pages, according to specifications, may be kept indefinitely and filed in what’s called a ‘cabinet,’ According to the iPad 3 documentation, a cabinet is a large box that has folders.

“And there’s no need to print,” said Reddelicious. “Once you have made your image, you simply tear out the page and file it in your cabinet.”

According to Apple, the iPad 3 comes with a redesigned animation engine that allows users to ‘draw pictures’ with the stylus on different pages and produce a quick animation. Though previous animation engines on the iPad would drain batteries quickly, the new engine does not require a battery. The new technlogy called iFlip® involves the user bending the iPad's iFlex® pages and releasing each page quickly, one page after the other.

“The beauty of the iPad 3 is that there's no battery, no WiFi, and no need to spread your fingers in an uncomfortable fashion so you can see a larger picture,” Reddelicious added.

The new iPad comes with a special Apple iMagnify® tool that’s easily held over the page so you can see what’s been written.

Many publications have heralded the new technology as “revolutionary” and “game changing.” According to one publication, the reviewer found the technology so simple that a “manual is unnecessary. A child could use this.”

The new iPad 3 will be officially released in the first quarter of 2012. Street price is estimated at $349.95.

New Damning Video Released About NPR: “I like neapolitan ice cream.”

(from K. Letterman News Agency)

Project Veritas has released a new videotape showing an NPR reporter admitting he liked Neapolitan ice cream. The reporter, Don Douglas, is shown sitting in an audio booth with another man identified only as “The Truth.”

“I have to admit it,” Douglas is heard saying. “I like Neapolitan ice cream. Not many people do. I’m not conservative when it comes to ice cream. I like a rainbow of flavors.”

NPR had no comment.

In a statement released by James O’Keefe, head of Project Veritas, “Why do we continue funding this? Because the liberals in Washington want to enforce their standards on our great nation, including their twisted values. Values that are clearly not in line with the prevailing climate of hostility toward fair and balanced news agencies.”

The video clearly shows Douglas eating the ice cream.

“Our tax dollars are feeding the left slant,” said O’Keefe. “Here we have someone with connections to the Mafia in Italy who has ties to the Rainbow Coalition. And his views are certainly not conservative. It leaves me cold.”

Neapolitan is defined as something that relates to Naples, Italy.

Members of Congress shared their outrage over the recent video.

“It’s obvious that the climate at NPR is one that is cold and creamy,” said Ohio representative, Charles Boomacher. “I vote we shut them down immediately.”

This morning, protesters outside NPR headquarters were carrying signs that read “What’s wrong with vanilla, you commie jerk?” and “I’m the public, and I don’t like ice cream.”

According to inside sources, NPR is looking into better ways to represent all flavors of ice cream, and in one report, NPR is looking into making all their reporters take a vanilla ice cream sensitivity class.

Perfect Cup of Coffee Found, NASA Dissolved

(the K. Letterman News Agency)

The Federal government announced it will cease all operations of the National Aeronautics and Space Administration because of recent coffee developments in Lewisville, North Carolina.

“We knew this day would come,” said NASA spokesperson Shelly Shoe. “We’ve put a man on the moon, but we’ve yet to make a perfect cup of coffee. Until now.”

According to taste testers from the Department of Energy, samples were obtained from the home of Warren and Naomi Baker. Testing concluded it was “a damn good cup of coffee.”

Shoe said all shuttle flights are scrapped, and all American work on the international space station is cancelled. Other countries involved with the construction of the space station are currently evaluating their current commitments to the station.

“We have been perfecting coffee for centuries,” said François Insipide, Chief le Culterelle Snobisme. “You can imagine our surprise finding Americans creating such a perfect blend. We are skeptical, of course, because our refined palettes are so much more sensitive than a commoner’s tastes.”

Insipide said the French government is sending taste representatives to North Carolina next week.

The Bakers, a humble couple who have been perfecting coffee for the past 13 years, told the French representatives to “bring it on.”

A US Senate committee is investigating possibly repurposing NASA resources.

“Many of us think we can make Cape Canaveral into an amusement park,” said Senator Benny Rider (R-FL). “And its close proximity to Disney World is definitely a bonus.”

Rider also said many of the engineers could work as ticket takers, parking attendants, and food vendors.

“You know, it makes me sad,” said Harlan Juxtaposition, an engineer for NASA. “I’m glad about the coffee. It’s been a long time coming, and who could deny the benefits of perfect coffee to our planet? Why explore the galaxy when you can get a buzz with a great cup of Joe?”

Republican Sponsored Bill Expected to Pass Gas

(K. Letterman News Agency)

With a solid majority poised to advance a new agenda in the House, Republicans are expected to vote on their first priority of the new session tomorrow morning.

“This majority was blown into office on the winds of change so we could send a strong signal to Washington that it’s not business as usual,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “That’s why House Bill number 54, or ‘The Nanny Nanny Boo Boo, So There’ bill is a top priority.”

The Nanny Nanny Boo Boo, So There bill, though not expected to pass gas in the Senate, offers nothing of any importance to anything at all, and it offers no solutions to any problems facing any American citizen. Many Republicans feel the bill is symbolic.

"Here is an opportunity to show the American public we are not sitting on our hands,” said Gerry Hobble R-CA. “We just lift ourselves up, just a tiny bit, and express ourselves.”

Others defined the bill as an "ill wind" and found it "clouded in mystery." Despite the criticisms, the bill is destined for a vote.

“Few doubted that this bill would reach the house floor, and in truth, it never did,” said Robert Wiskell D-NH. “It kind of hovered."

"It really reeks of partisanship," Wiskell added.

Following the vote, the chamber is expected to adjourn, making the space available for crews from the Environmental Protection Agency.

McCartney Stripped of MBE

(Kirk Letterman News Agency)

The British monarchy announced today that Sir Paul McCartney was stripped of his MBE (Member of the Order of the British Empire) and has lost his title as ‘sir.’

“We’re really not at liberty to discuss such matters with those of the lower castes,” said spokesperson Michael Upsnoot. “But I assure you this is not a capricious act. We’ve given this much thought.”

But according to Buckingham sources, prior to the announcement, the Queen was seen running and screaming out of her chambers shouting, “Oh my God! What? He wrote that crap and sang it too? Who knew of this? Heads will roll! Ack!”

Tired from her run, sources say she regally collapsed on a very comfortable sofa. After being revived with smelling salts and small tasty tea cakes topped with mint and raspberry, she told her secretary to inform parliament and the populace that McCartney’s award be rescinded immediately.

“She’d never heard the song,” said one source. “Apparently this was the first time she’s heard ‘Wonderful Christmas Time’. She was traumatized, as one would expect to feel after hearing it.”

Released in 1979, the song was an instant hit with many who were hard of hearing. Recently released documents from Wikileaks revealed MI5 used the song to ‘persuade’ cold war enemy agents during interrogations. In 1992, the Geneva Convention outlawed playing “Wonderful Christmas Time” in a prisoner’s cell.

Many British citizens believe an urban legend suggesting the song was written and produced by a demon named Hugh. Other citizens feel McCartney was on an LSD trip and could not be held responsible for the song. Still others believe the song is a sign of the end times as was foretold by the hamster Gerald.

Jason Bounce, curator of the Museum of Sir Paul McCartney, expressed his disappointment with the decision, but he said he understood the rationale.

“Many of us were in denial,” Bounce said. “I mean, this is Paul McCartney! How could the same hand that wrote so many beautiful and lyrical pop standards be the same hand that penned that…thing. And now I’ll have to change my sign. Crap.”

Spokesperson Upsnoot would neither confirm nor deny any of the rumors.

People Protest Blue Ridge Parkway Funding

(K. Letterman News Service)

“I think it should be shut down,” said Davis Chenin, a dress boutique owner from Kansas. “It obviously has a liberal agenda.”

This was a sample of remarks spoken yesterday when it was revealed that the Blue Ridge Parkway was made available to people of every color and creed every day of the year. According to a document made public yesterday, a parkway official said “…any person is welcome on the Parkway, especially when the leaves start turning.”

“Leaves turning? Are you kidding me?” said Denise Mendelsohn of New Jersey. “Obviously this is a ploy to show that beauty is a thing to be experienced by everyone…including Muslims! And we’re funding this?”

State officials disclosed that many people of color were found cruising up and down the parkway “having a good time. This is normal activity at any time of the year, but especially when the leaves are turning.”

Marsha Sawkins, president of the Coalition to Limit Use of Sweet Trees for Everyday Rogues, said the law is obviously biased toward people she “…disagrees with.”

“How can our tax dollars fund such an obvious ploy to use beauty to bring people together?” Sawkins asked. “If we keep this funded by our money, gays and Muslims and motorcyclists will be taking advantage of money that we work so hard for. They have no right!”

The Blue Ridge Parkway, a parkway that runs through North Carolina and Virginia, has been open for decades, but according to CLUSTER officials, only recently have they been able to read the fine print that says the parkway is open for everyone to enjoy.

“I can’t imagine my tax dollars paying for such a fine example of beauty and sharing it with any Tom, Dick or Harry who happens to stop by,” said Sawkins. “And some of them even have cars.”

Oprah Gives Away Kernersville, NC

K. Letterman News Agency

Oprah Winfrey, who has ruled the television talk shows since she made her debut, gave away Kernersville, North Carolina on her farewell broadcast yesterday.

Mary Jenkins of Park Place, New Jersey, who knows nothing about North Carolina, says she’s underwhelmed with the gift.

“I really wanted Raleigh,” she said. “But Oprah knows all, so it must be destiny or a very cruel joke. A refrigerator would have been nice.”

Jenkins, a part-time receptionist for a chemical plant, said she has no immediate plans to change the city.

“I need to get a map first,” she said. “I hope they have a Belks there. I like Belks.”

Oprah has owned Kernersville since 2007 since she won the North Carolina city in a poker game.

The last episode of Oprah, which aired Friday, featured many giveaways. Gifts included a small Chinese man, the Rice-a-Roni factory in California, and Mel Gibson.

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New Poll Finds Americans Are Confused

(K. Letterman news release)

According to a recent poll, around 20 percent of Americans still believe President Barack Obama is a Muslim. Similar respondents believe the Pope is communist, the Easter Bunny is an orthodox Jew, and the Tooth Fairy is living in California for legal reasons.

Many respondents reasoned Obama rarely appeared in public because of his daily prayers to Allah.

The poll, conducted by Knowledge Released for American Pride, described the results as telling.

"Our nation has spoken," said Brandy Whine, official spokesperson for KRAP. When it was pointed out that 80 percent of Americans believed Obama was Christian, Whine replied the poll is plus or minus 60% accurate.

Other findings in the poll include:

75% believe guns don't kill people, though 74% of the respondents believe that guns are very efficient at concluding the life cycle of living things

73% believe CNN is some kind of thing, and 45% of those respondents believe they left the iron on

69% believe Fox news is a children's program about rodents

65% believe that children are our future but they'll be damned if they let them lead the way

52% believe they can fly, but only with the inhalation of an aerosol propellant

32% believe cake is tasty only when served with ice cream and aerosol propellant

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Knife Cuts Better Than Spoon

(K. Letterman News Agency)
In a recent clinical study, experts found that knives are clearly better at cutting than spoons are.
Dr. Frank N. Sadly, lead researcher at the Leadbetter Institute of Fine Dining and Millwork, used a serrated knife to cut through a 2 inch thick steak. Total cutting time was >5 seconds. A spoon was used to cut through the same piece of meat. Spoon total cutting time was just shy of 1 minute.
“We were a little surprised,” said Sadly. “Though there has been anecdotal evidence for quite some time, I feel we finally have the rock solid evidence needed. Clearly, we thought the spoon would do much better.”
Parents have encouraged youngsters to cut their meal portions using a knife, but according to Dana Sotto Voce, children have lacked useful evidence that knives work better than spoons. Children protestations at the dinner table have been an issue since the invention of food.
“Parents no longer need to speak quietly of this problem,” said Sotto Voce. “They can raise their voices proudly and show they do indeed know what they’re talking about.”
Recent tests using a hammer, a Kleenex, and a reciprocating saw proved inconclusive.

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Association of Vague Individuals Meets

The Association of Vague Individuals met somewhere near that place where you see that guy do things. According to that officer lady, discussions ranged from stuff to this and that. A bearded guy spoke a lot. Another person spoke, too.
The next meeting was scheduled at what’s his name’s house on a date in the future.
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Tea Party Protests Coffee Drinkers

(K. Letterman news service)

From Maine to Hawaii, Tea Parties are being held to protest Coffee Klatches. According to Bill O’Righteous, an organizer from Omaha, the parties are designed to interrupt social conversations and Columbian exports.

“We can’t have ‘social’ conversations,” said O’Righteous. “Just look at the word. It drips with slimy communistic overtones.”

On the streets of Catalina Dressing, Texas, protestors were found outside a local Starbucks carrying signs that read “How dare you be social,” “Mochas Make a Communist,” and “Juan Valdez Wants to Take Your Children Away, Fill Their Heads With DooDoo Dogma, and Force Them to Drink Cappucinos.”

Inside the coffee shop, Geraldine Wippenstein continued her conversation with Mildred Schmaltz, undeterred by the 3 protesters outside.

“I wonder if they have jobs,” Geraldine said to Mildred.

“Of course they do, deah,” Mildred responded. “And I’m sure they’re well paid since they can afford to take off work.”

Outside, Jackson Halibut, a locally employed architect, said he would still protest even if he didn’t make $135,279 a year.

“Money has nothing to do with it,” Halibut said. "We need less social people and more people who drink tea and ignore each other."

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California Leased by Saudi Arabia

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(K. Letterman News Agency)
Today, the California legislature voted unanimously in favor of leasing the state to Saudi Arabia for $120 billion to be paid over a period of 4 years.

"We are very happy to provide a solution to California's problems," said Saudi spokesperson Undula Kamifi.

"We had no choice," said district 7 representative Zack Whack. "It was either that or lease to Bill Gates."

According to the agreement, California agrees to send 1,000,000 residents to Saudi Arabia to serve as hotel staff during tourist season.

"We need labor," Kamifi said, "and California can provide an incentive for tourism. We know the beautiful transplanted people of California will be an enticement for many to come and visit our humble desert."

"It worked in Vegas," Kamifi added.

California, in turn, would be responsible for encouraging higher emissions from its residents' motor vehicles. The state is also required to offer incentives to persons who purchase vehicles that average 12 MPG or less.

Hybrids would be outlawed for a period of 4 years.
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Copyright 2010 Warren Baker
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Thom Yorke Records Happy Song

(K. Letterman News Agency)

Thom Yorke, lead singer for Radiohead, has recorded a happy song, according to his publicist.

“We are pleased to announce that Mr. Yorke woke up one morning, had a happy thought, and wrote about it,” said Nancy Vague, publicist for the band. “In fact, he was quite chipper and skipped around a bit.”

A press release, recently released, included a portion of the lyrics to the song “That’s a Surprise”:

Giddy giddy, won’t you see
Good lord, I’ve got happy feet
My face is acting out of sorts
Must be my smiley shorts

That’s a surprise
That’s a surprise
Stay away
I want it to linger.
Want to be a happy singer.

Vague also said that “there is no way this will last, so the fans have nothing to worry about, except, of course worrying about what they currently worry about anyway.”

According to a poll by the group Lexapronics, Radiohead has been consistently rated as the world’s most angst ridden bands. The Cure was listed as a distant second.

Upon hearing the news, many nervous fans made appointments with their personal therapists.

“Don’t know what I’ll do,” said one woman, who called herself Weary Wanda. “If he gets happy, well, I’ll just have to start listening to more Morrisey. But I’m not sure I’m ready for that type of affliction, you know?”
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Airlines Add New Fee

(K. Letterman News Agency)

According to an airline spokesperson, Delta airlines is planning on adding a new fee that charges for armrests.

“We’ve been forced to do this due to economic forces and the fact that the vast majority of people have arms,” said airline spokesperson John-John Overalls.

Currently, all seats on airplanes have armrests. The armrests are a fixed attachment on the chair.

Delta says it will add a pressure sensor on each armrest that produces an electrical shock if someone’s arm comes in contact with the armrest. To prevent the shock, passengers will have the option to pay for “shockless” comfort.

“Initially,” said Overalls, “we expect to charge a dollar per fifteen minutes of rest. For convenience, we’ll accept both coins and bills.”

Other airlines are expected to add the option to their flights.

Airlines are also exploring other avenues of revenue including charging for seat cushions, pillows, and oxygen.
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Expected Apple Announcements at Macworld 2010

(K. Letterman News Service)

According to company spokesman Paul Savvy, Apple plans to release several groundbreaking products at the 2010 Macworld Conference.

iHouse
“We are very excited about this one,” Savvy said. “You plug in any Mac Pro computer, connect it easily to the internet, log on to the Apple store with your Apple account, and purchase a new home.”

Early tests in California show that Apple consumers enjoyed the experience so much, they purchased additional houses just because they could. The initial price tag, $725,000, was considered a reasonable price by most consumers. Houses included a living room that easily converts into a bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom. Though a refrigerator, sink, and toilet were missing from the original floor plan, Savvy says customers can purchase upgrades at anytime.

“Many items simply aren’t needed,” Savvy said. “Third party vendors will create the necessary apps to help make a new Apple house a new Apple home.

iFood
“Initial tests in Cupertino, CA show much promise,” Savvy said. “This new product, available only on the Mac platform, singlehandedly solves world hunger through the glory that is Steve Jobs.”

According to the initial specifications, the application works by holding an iPhone to one’s stomach and suddenly a ‘miracle’ takes place.

“All one needs to do is purchase an iPhone from the Apple store, and you will be healed,” Savvy said.

iCar
According to Apple insiders, the iCar will revolutionize the automobile industry.

“Most people know that Apple created the first car, way before Ford came out with the Model T,” said spokesperson, Les Credible.

The iCar, which only comes in the color white, can run for five hours on a single charge. Early tests suggest that adding additional items in the car like people, seats, and wheels pare the running time down to fifteen minutes. Insiders say if the battery in the car fails, customers are expected to purchase a new car to replace the battery.

iProcreation
Savvy did not elaborate on this, but sources say it eliminates the need of having a partner to create children. Details are sketchy, but early reports say it involves dual quad-core processing, 128GB of RAM, and an iTouch. Savvy said it is expected to be virus free.

OS XI
Jobs will reportedly give a sneak peak a the latest Mac OS, codenamed Lemmings, at Macworld. According to Savvy, initial features included in the first incarnation of Lemmings are:

1. iMoney- this application shows you how much you need to spend at the Apple store on a weekly basis. Initial design includes a flashing warning icon featurng Steve Jobs' pouting face if you are not spending enough.

2. Obsolescence Meter- shows how often you should purchase an iPhone, an iPod, and any other products manufactured by Apple.

3. Mac Commercial Notification Manager- alerts user when to expect new, witty commercials from Apple and how to send the commercials to friends who use Windows.

4. QuickTime 25- engineers expect this version of QuickTime to play back every type of video and audio file known to man (except Windows Media). With QuickTime Pro, users will be able to move the very fabric of time and space.

5. Social Status Avatar- this feature creates an on screen avatar who responds to voice commands like “Open application” and “Freeze existing application.” The avatar, dressed in Birkenstocks, jeans, a cool jacket, and wearing expensive designer glasses, pops out of the middle of the screen and rushes around your monitor completing assigned tasks. Users will be able to accessorize the avatar with items purchased through the Apple store.

6. Upgradeamatic- this automatic upgrade device upgrades software constantly. Since there is no ‘on/off’ switch, users will no longer need to worry about those pesky ‘Do you want to upgrade?’ windows. Upgrades are confirmed when the application you are working in crashes.

7. Complimentary full sized beach ball that appears every time your computer has a problem.
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One in Five Dentists Agree Brushing Bad for You

(K. Letterman News Agency)

At the 32nd annual convention of the Minority Opinion Review for Oppressed Nihilists, a paper revealed one out of five dentists agreeing that brushing does not help your teeth.

Dr. Archibald Flannel, author of the paper, interviewed four other dentists for the paper.

“It’s simple,” Flannel said in a statement released Tuesday. “My so-called colleagues believe brushing is a way to prolong teeth fitness. Brushing is a capitalist invention that prolongs our profession’s co-dependence on the dental hygiene industrial complex.”

Flannel’s paper “I’m Right, You’re Wrong- A Bristling Conspiracy” details the disadvantages using a toothbrush. According to the paper, toothbrushes implant tiny radio transmitters between the teeth and gums. The transmitters send messages to local dentists who, in turn, use the information for ‘nefarious purposes.’ The paper does not detail what these purposes are.

“Brushing only leads to more and more dental visits,” Flannel continued. “Next time you brush your teeth, it is a certainty you will visit the dentist soon thereafter. It may not be tomorrow, or next month, or next year. But you will see a dentist. Mark my words.”

Flannel, who received his degree in dentistry from Malcolm’s Agricultural Center in Weewillie, West Virginia, recommends eating foods high in minerals such as quartz, pumice, and granite. The paper recommends taking care of teeth through the use of natural objects such as sticks, pine cones, and coal.
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After the paper received a warm welcome, the convention fell into a deep depression and exploded into nothingness.

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Wiggles Win Nobel Prize in Physics

(K. Letterman News Agency)

The Nobel Prize committee selected the Wiggles as recipients for the Nobel Prize in physics.

Yuber Yubalikaffindobedobedo, a former Wal-Mart greeter and now head of the Physics selection committee, said members of the committee considered the Wiggles the “delightful teachers of physical movement and manual dexterity” and that “our children love to watch that crap for hours on end.”

Anthony Field, Murray Cook, Jeff Fatt, Sam Moran, and Phillip Wilcher were moving and flailing about when they heard the news. Jeff fell asleep upon hearing the announcement.

Though this came as complete shock to most Nobel watchers, children at the mall seemed unsurprised by the committee’s choice. Bobby Fitcher, a 5-year old boy from South Carolina, was visibly excited about the Wiggles.

“What an incredible accomplishment,” Fitcher said. “I learn so much...dexterity, friendship, and obnoxious noises I can make with my voice...all of this provides invaluable synaptic connections on my ever developing psyche. I now must pee.”

Previous recipients, Bob the Builder and Norm Abram, expressed support for the committee’s decision.

“I have to admit, those aristocratic critics can never be pleased,” said Abram. “Like they would know a stationary base router even if it jumped up and routed them a new one.”

“Makes we want to take out my hammer and go construction on somebody,” Bob added.

Critics have been quick to point out that the committee missed obvious choices in the world of physics.

“Tim the Toolman, for one,” said Bernard Bourgeoise of the Directorate of Important Physics People. “And what about Vinnie’s girlfriend?”
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Cash for Geezers Finds Bipartisan Support

(K. Letterman News Agency)

In a bill garnering wide bipartisan support, the so-called Cash for Geezers bill is finding a foothold in a new ammendment to the current health care legislation.

Democrat and Republican representatives feel they've bridged an impasse.

"This legislation is a win-win situation for our great country," said Arnie Watthe, R-Idaho. "We pay. They go away."

"We feel we can save billions of dollars and possibly wipe out the deficit," said Billy Hekk, D-Florida. "With just a paltry amount of cash outlay, we can rid ourselves of this immovable health care burden."

The Watthe-Hekk ammendment proposes sending all senior citizens to Europe, all expenses paid, for ten years. Legislators believe that Europe's socialistic system of health care can take care of America's senior citizens. Canada was included in the original proposal, but many elderly protested because it was "just too darn cold up there."

A sliding expense scale attached to the bill shows that the average senior citizen will receive $20,000 in moving expenses and whatever proceeds from home and property sales. A recent study found that the average American couple over the age of 65 will pay an average of $250,000 in medical expenses in their remaining lifetime.

"Either way you do the math," said Watthe, "we recoup an incredible amount of savings, and grandpa and grandma get an extended vacation. It's a bargain."

"We really do have a lot of people excited about this proposal," Hekk added. "Not just the elderly, who've always wanted to go overseas, but a lot of our transients could be added to the ammendment."

According to inside sources, negotiations are beginning to take shape in how to send the homeless overseas. Some radio talk show hosts, including Rustic Limburgher, are praising the negotiations calling them "the great solution" since "those bums will never get a job anyway."
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Velveteen Rabbit Inks Deal with Krafty

(K. Letterman News Agency)

Krafty Foods has reached an agreement with the family of Margery Williams to purchase the Velveteen Rabbit franchise and change the name of the main character to the Velveeta Rabbit.

“We’re most pleased to add another notch of wholesomeness to the beloved rabbit,” said Krafty spokesperson B. S. Bendy.

In a new, soon to be published edition of the children’s book, the rabbit will feature the new name plus have a new sidekick named Nablisco. The story will be fleshed out further when new books are published documenting the new adventures of the rabbit and the rabbit’s friend.

“We see a lot of potential in shaping the minds of today’s youngsters,” said Bendy. “We can see future adventures where both characters, while relaxing under a Capricious Sun, drink Koolant-Aid and take a trip down to Southern Beach. Endless possibilities.”

Cross promotional items will appear with Krafty food packaging. Krafty Macaroni and Cheese will feature rabbit prizes geared toward the youth market. A select few boxes will contain a Lucky Rabbit’s foot good for a $100 coupon off of select Krafty products.
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(click on picture to enlarge)
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Lemmings Make Comeback

(K. Letterman News Agency)

According to Wildlife and Animals International Federation, lemming populations are growing globally.

“We’re a little confused,” WAIF spokesman James St. James said in a statement. “The suicide rates have dropped to an almost nonexistent level. They’ve actually evolved into something quite different, although it appears their knack for following hasn’t dissipated.”

In a paper called “Lemmings: We’re Going to Need to Start Killing Them,” naturalists, biologists, and sociologists have come to the conclusion that American political parties have contaminated lemming culture.

“There are Democrat and Republican lemmings,” said St. James. “Rarely do we find any Independent lemmings.”

The paper found lemmings are adapting to specific, narrow ideologies at a very rapid rate. In three separate blind studies conducted at Our Lady of Perpetual Eternity University, the study found lemmings polarizing on current American issues and polarizing on different cable news channels.

“We placed a Pelosi doll in front of forty lemmings, and half the lemmings followed the doll wherever it went,” read one portion of the study. “We put a Rush Limbaugh doll in front of the same lemmings, and while twenty of the lemmings cackled in approval, the other half spat and turned in the other direction.”

The paper also found that ‘Republican’ lemmings preferred luxury cars and fine dining, while ‘Democrat’ lemmings enjoyed high mileage cars and Susan Sarandon movies.

Researchers are baffled over how the ‘contamination’ occurred, but one theory speculates that the rodents were infected with the “Human Flu” during the 2008 Presidential campaign.

The Society for Prevention of Polarizing Political Cruelty to Animals is investigating ways to counteract the lemmings’ political social disease, and a spokesperson for the SPPPCA said she hopes a cure will be found soon. The group is hoping the lemming suicide rate will rise in the near future.

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