At the 32nd annual convention of the Minority Opinion Review for Oppressed Nihilists, a paper revealed one out of five dentists agreeing that brushing does not help your teeth.
Dr. Archibald Flannel, author of the paper, interviewed four other dentists for the paper.
“It’s simple,” Flannel said in a statement released Tuesday. “My so-called colleagues believe brushing is a way to prolong teeth fitness. Brushing is a capitalist invention that prolongs our profession’s co-dependence on the dental hygiene industrial complex.”
Flannel’s paper “I’m Right, You’re Wrong- A Bristling Conspiracy” details the disadvantages using a toothbrush. According to the paper, toothbrushes implant tiny radio transmitters between the teeth and gums. The transmitters send messages to local dentists who, in turn, use the information for ‘nefarious purposes.’ The paper does not detail what these purposes are.
“Brushing only leads to more and more dental visits,” Flannel continued. “Next time you brush your teeth, it is a certainty you will visit the dentist soon thereafter. It may not be tomorrow, or next month, or next year. But you will see a dentist. Mark my words.”
Flannel, who received his degree in dentistry from Malcolm’s Agricultural Center in Weewillie, West Virginia, recommends eating foods high in minerals such as quartz, pumice, and granite. The paper recommends taking care of teeth through the use of natural objects such as sticks, pine cones, and coal.
After the paper received a warm welcome, the convention fell into a deep depression and exploded into nothingness.