Expected Apple Announcements at Macworld 2010

(K. Letterman News Service)

According to company spokesman Paul Savvy, Apple plans to release several groundbreaking products at the 2010 Macworld Conference.

iHouse
“We are very excited about this one,” Savvy said. “You plug in any Mac Pro computer, connect it easily to the internet, log on to the Apple store with your Apple account, and purchase a new home.”

Early tests in California show that Apple consumers enjoyed the experience so much, they purchased additional houses just because they could. The initial price tag, $725,000, was considered a reasonable price by most consumers. Houses included a living room that easily converts into a bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom. Though a refrigerator, sink, and toilet were missing from the original floor plan, Savvy says customers can purchase upgrades at anytime.

“Many items simply aren’t needed,” Savvy said. “Third party vendors will create the necessary apps to help make a new Apple house a new Apple home.

iFood
“Initial tests in Cupertino, CA show much promise,” Savvy said. “This new product, available only on the Mac platform, singlehandedly solves world hunger through the glory that is Steve Jobs.”

According to the initial specifications, the application works by holding an iPhone to one’s stomach and suddenly a ‘miracle’ takes place.

“All one needs to do is purchase an iPhone from the Apple store, and you will be healed,” Savvy said.

iCar
According to Apple insiders, the iCar will revolutionize the automobile industry.

“Most people know that Apple created the first car, way before Ford came out with the Model T,” said spokesperson, Les Credible.

The iCar, which only comes in the color white, can run for five hours on a single charge. Early tests suggest that adding additional items in the car like people, seats, and wheels pare the running time down to fifteen minutes. Insiders say if the battery in the car fails, customers are expected to purchase a new car to replace the battery.

iProcreation
Savvy did not elaborate on this, but sources say it eliminates the need of having a partner to create children. Details are sketchy, but early reports say it involves dual quad-core processing, 128GB of RAM, and an iTouch. Savvy said it is expected to be virus free.

OS XI
Jobs will reportedly give a sneak peak a the latest Mac OS, codenamed Lemmings, at Macworld. According to Savvy, initial features included in the first incarnation of Lemmings are:

1. iMoney- this application shows you how much you need to spend at the Apple store on a weekly basis. Initial design includes a flashing warning icon featurng Steve Jobs' pouting face if you are not spending enough.

2. Obsolescence Meter- shows how often you should purchase an iPhone, an iPod, and any other products manufactured by Apple.

3. Mac Commercial Notification Manager- alerts user when to expect new, witty commercials from Apple and how to send the commercials to friends who use Windows.

4. QuickTime 25- engineers expect this version of QuickTime to play back every type of video and audio file known to man (except Windows Media). With QuickTime Pro, users will be able to move the very fabric of time and space.

5. Social Status Avatar- this feature creates an on screen avatar who responds to voice commands like “Open application” and “Freeze existing application.” The avatar, dressed in Birkenstocks, jeans, a cool jacket, and wearing expensive designer glasses, pops out of the middle of the screen and rushes around your monitor completing assigned tasks. Users will be able to accessorize the avatar with items purchased through the Apple store.

6. Upgradeamatic- this automatic upgrade device upgrades software constantly. Since there is no ‘on/off’ switch, users will no longer need to worry about those pesky ‘Do you want to upgrade?’ windows. Upgrades are confirmed when the application you are working in crashes.

7. Complimentary full sized beach ball that appears every time your computer has a problem.
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Apple Granted New Patent

(K. Letterman News Agency)
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Today, Apple announced it has patented the letter 'i'.

According to papers filed with the Federal Trade Commission, Apple petitioned for the patent in early June. The patent was granted yesterday.

"It was a necessary move in our fight to represent the groovy people of the world," said Apple Second Banana Yul Lemming. "And patenting the letter 'i' is important in preserving our customers individuality and making us gobs of money."

Apple sells the iPod, the iPhone, and the iMac. Many bundles of software created by Apple also have the 'i' moniker.

Apple third party manufacturers were noticeably quiet about the decision. However, insiders say the manufacturers are outraged over the trademark decision.

"Unbelievable," said one unnamed source. "If we put an 'i' in front of any our products, Apple gets more of a piece of our pie."

The long running children's television show "Sesame Street" announced that it will no longer be sponsored by the letter 'i' nor will it allow the word 'apple' to be pronounced by cast members.

"The fees are ob...," said elderly Mr. Whitaker.

"...scene," said cute Miss Andrea.

"Ob-scene," said both Miss Andrea and Mr. Whitaker.

"Preposterous," said Ernie. "This corporate tyranny and unabashed capitalistic manipulation of the populace and governing authorities is unparalleled. It's abhorrent."

"It's crap," said Bert.

Manufacturers of non-computer products affected by the patent voiced angry complaints and retribution. Campbell’s announced they will no longer include the letter 'i' in its alphabet soup. Many authors also announced their displeasure with the patent by vowing never to write again in the first person.

New Apple commercials featuring the infamous Mac and PC couple already reflect the recent decision. The latest commercial starts:

"I'm a Mac."

"Me a PC."

Personal computer keyboards will also be subject to the patent. Apple is currently in negotiation with all PC manufacturers deciding what the 'fee per key' price will be.
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Oppression Released

(K. Letterman News Agency)
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Today, perfume maker Ralph Loins released a new fragrance for men and women called Oppression.

According to test marketing documents, participants were more likely to ‘get their way’ when they wore the new perfume than when they did not wear the perfume.

“We found most people who wore the perfume liked the way people kowtowed to them,” said marketing analyst Richard Tator. “It was amazing how the power of the perfume dominated people.”

Out of 100 participants in the study, 95 percent reported an improvement in their people manipulation skills. Half the respondents achieved high political office while others went on to become dictators, French professors, and street musicians.

“People stop by more often to see me play because I will it so,” said Manny Minnie, a street musician located in Baltimore. “Revenues are up.”

“You can’t run a country without this stuff,” said Andre Gigantus, supreme leader of the Hooku Republic. “We have currently banned the fragrance from the general population, and we are exclusively using it with our police force and military. Instead of government by fiat, it’s government by fragrance!”

Allegedly, Ralph Loins contracted with Iran recently for a limited release of Oppression, but Loins spokesperson Debbie Hootoogie denies the accusation.

“We are certain that President Ahmadinejad was elected fairly,” said Hootoogie. “And he’s such a nice man.”
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Steve Jobs Not God, Study Concludes

According to the Jobs Beatification Omnipotent Deity Study (JBODS), Steve Jobs is not God.

“We knew this would be an important finding,” said Rose Herring, one of the authors of the study. “Ever since the G4 came out, a lot of people started seeing Jobs as more than, well, human. And when the iPod hit, well, that really convinced a lot of people he was a he with a capital ‘h.’”

Until recently, very little documentation existed about Jobs. Herring said the ‘myth’ surrounding the birth of Apple has been stringing people along for years.

“Take the name, Apple,” Herring said. “Obviously this is a reference to the Garden of Eden, but Jobs has denied the connection. Our study found that if Jobs was responsible for the Garden, Adam would be Mac, and Eve would be Lisa. And the serpent would be somebody named Gates.”

The study also concluded that Jobs is obviously in his 50s and not millions of years old.

The Local Emissaries for Maniacal Macs Indigenous to Nebraska and Georgia Society(LEMMINGS) disputed the findings saying in a statement released on iTunes:

“Who are you mere mortals to desecrate the One? He brings us joy, happiness, and a higher level of social status. May he find mercy on you and keep your iPod from going back to the shop to have its battery replaced.”

Jobs was unavailable for comment.

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