I Bought a Phone

(to Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl")

The commercial displayed a brand
Caught my attention
I promptly caved, cash in hand
Bought sound invention

It took me
To new plane
Nirvana high I’m on
It’s lovely
And insane
Rose my pretension

I bought a phone
Cos’ they hyped it
The grace of its noble plastic
I bought a phone
Now I’m typin’
I text free, my thumbs get spastic
It’s not just phone
There’s more to like
Got apps to download tonight
I bought a phone
I’m excited
(excited)

Now I’ve got fifty million games
It auto plays them
Cured me of hemorrhoidal pain
Then fixed car’s suspension

Starts crock pot
Then stirs stew
Found app that will puree
It flies jets
Carves canoes
Varnished buffet

I bought a phone
Now I’m quite hip
I kicked up my social quotient
I bought a phone
And it’s psychic
It hates songs that I don’t like yet
It can’t do wrong
It lives my life
In home I sit and eat all night
I bought a chair
I recline it.
(recline it)

My phone, I felt fanatical
Cool screen, huge bills, infallible
On fingertips, so magical
My life, phone defines it
Had text appeal
Was heaven sent

I lost my phone
And I panicked
The loss of tech made me manic
I lost my phone
Couldn’t find it
My world gone, no automatic
I must do things
That I don’t do
Must read a book on how-to
I turned a page
And I liked it.
.

50G Network Fast and Flavorful

(K. Letterman News Agency)

Radio Frequencies for Fun and Baking announced the first successful trial run of a 50G cell phone network. According to a press release, the network can download a 2 hour movie in 5 seconds and pop popcorn in less than a minute.

“This is a monumental step in the world of entertainment and fast food,” said Benny Crocker, COO of Radio Frequencies. “We feel it’s important that impatient people get what they want quickly and efficiently.”

Sources inside the company say most employees have been using the 50G network for the past month and that 75 percent of the staff were sporting tanned faces. There have also been reports of participants losing 25 percent of their brain mass. Officials believe the brain loss is due to the ‘moisture cooking off’ because of the unseasonably warm weather in Minnesota.

“I feel a little light headed at times,” said one employee who wished not to be identified, “and my face looks like leather. But I can download all my favorite movies so quickly. And I don’t go around hungry, though I forget sometimes where I put my popcorn. Who are you again?”

Crocker said the food cooking component of a 50G network requires 2 cell phones placed 10 inches apart. Though some outside the company have expressed concern over people who use two cell phones simultaneously, Crocker dismissed the concerns.

“If there’s any harm at all, it’s just a slight tingling sensation between your ears,” Crocker said. “And you may smell something like barbecue chicken, but the sensations will pass.”

.

Copyright 2010 Warren Baker

.