Elephant Talk

The Phys'cal Cliff

Political Opinion Playback Machine

Our Annual Community Anguish

When brown noses start their appeasin'
And candidates disregard reason
The deeper we delve
In two thousand twelve
We know these are signs of the season.

Using Your Religion

(to REMs "Losing My Religion")

Found a trigger
A trigger for you
And you can now see
The churches I now go to
To reach the throngs inside
See now, I’m now in touch
I’ll count ‘em up

Help me in November
Love me in the soundbite
Using your religion
Hoping to rake in a few
And I’ve seen how the others do it
Need votes, so I suck up
I’m gonna need a bump

My lips you can see them flapping
Your hymns you will hear me sing
I know I’m just your kind of guy

Help me, sister
I’m seeking higher power
I’m making my connections
Tying to your divine world view
Take a verse, quote, and twist its view
I’ll show I know your stuff
Makes me look tough

I harvest this
The fields of society
A polished kiss
I’ll sip their bagged tea
Hear my talks hail
“God adores democracies.
No heathens allowed.
Now let’s go have lunch.”

A verse when I start attacking
A verse when I rally team
Don’t think, I need forgiving minds

I hope you’ll vote for me
Hope you’ll vote for me

I’ve God in my corner
I’m saved for the spotlight
Using your religion
Wanting to be born anew
And I do know if I don’t do it
My votes in church might rust
Elections are a bust

Your faith is a vein I’m tapping
Your faith is a vein I need
I’ll sell my soul, I’ll drink your wine

So please come vote for me….

The Misinformation of Capitol Hill

(parody of "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill")

Parade of Clowns (November Torment)

Author's Note: Our system of government is a wonderful system made of representation and transitions of power. However, getting elected in the US brings out the worst in candidates. I guess it's so we can see how much of an ass they can be when they get elected.

(to Speed of Sound by Coldplay)

A throng
Are showing their ends
The tongue it talks
Engaged to offend
Old song
The melody nice
The goal I know
Negative snipe
They throw
Mud don’t you know?
You must pick a side
The masses tell you so
So long
My sanity slides
I feel the vibe
Of an autumn decline

Play tough
Commercials at night
Vagaries crooning
Out to fan the fright
Drink up
Manic debris
Any flavor you want
With a slice of cheese
Through fog
Of edited jabs
Sense the big bucks
Pulling the strands
My heart
I fear it will stop
Before the seething
And trash shut up.

Big top ploys
And circus sounds
Funny faces
Smiles abound
As we keep watching a parade of clowns
To see who is an honest man
What they’re saying
Fertilizes ground
And you can smell it
In the underhand.

Hear cheers
Decorum decline
Loudest protesters
Hype loudly defined
The clinking of china cups
In hands of minahs
Parrot stuff
Designed
For no one like me
For I think and I often read
Your god would have me believe
The heavenly best will
Guzzle tea

Frenzied joy
In rings of round
Painted faces
Come to town
So jaded watching this parade of clowns
Who knows if he’s an honest man?
Facts are fictions
It’s so turned around
If you could feel it then you’d take a bath
And if you don’t you’ll likely get a rash

Voting time
November torment
Strange sounds
Promises said
Some get broke
And some get bent
Oooh

Words flow slyly from parade of clowns
To show you they are honest men
Clowns are winking
And their drums will pound
I can’t believe them
And they all annoy.
I find ‘em pleasin’
Like a hemorrhoid.

Copyright 2010 Warren Baker

Poliditzz

(to The Sweet's Ballroom Blitz)

Cam’ra ready?
Uh-huh.
Prompter?
Nope.
Mic?
OK
Alright, citizens, let’s go!

(Palin)
Oh, my brain is thinking so hard
Understanding my geography
All those Russkies are in eye range
A million two has spurred the rogue in me

Oh, I seem a little off track
Little loose with a fact
Though handy am I with a gun

And to drill in the sea
‘Course it matters to me
Cause the beaches need some lubricant fun

Oh yeah!

I shoot all critters
I’m a government quitter
I’m a speaker most dandy
See I keep my notes handy

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

(Citizen’s Chorus)
Our girl has a knack
For looking good in slack

She’s a mamma who’s a Poliditzz
And not a supporter of
Katie the reporter
Who knew she was a Poliditzz
Poliditzz
Poliditzz

(Biden)
I’ll likely say the wrong thing
That word you heard, lovely shade of blue

If you’re stranded in a wheelchair
Come stand beside me, sitting there won’t do

In confines of a craft
A sneezing attack
It will give you the flu in the sky

And I look quite disordered
When I say to reporters
“She’s not dead? I guess the woman's alive!”

Oh yeah!

I’m so eclectic
A ‘not-so-there’ thick brick
And the stories I’m weaving
Show sense is now leaving

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

(Citizen’s Chorus)
Our boy likes to yak
Though lacking simple tact
He’s a VP who’s a Poliditzz
He's such a performer of
“Brain is out of order”
Our Joe, he is a Poliditzz.
Poliditzz
Poliditzz

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Copyright 2010 Warren Baker

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Class

In a classroom not far from the place where you’re at
Some children sat down and decided to chat
Of things that adults were so passionate about
How both mom and pop’s voices often would shout
Of the terrors their neighbors were plotting next door
Their fabric of dignity tattered and torn.

So Billy began with a comment he gleaned
From his dad, whom he thought, was both loving and clean
“The commies next door want to take all our rights.
They’re mean and they’re evil and they’re not really bright.
They’re communist dogs who should never see light.”

And Millie then laughed, her freckles abundant,
“My Mom finds her truth in the words of a pundit.
Why think for one’s self, when someone else dunnit?”

And Maple agreed, her sweetness displayed
“Conservatives seem to be ruining our day.
They’re rich and they steal all the poor people’s stuff
And tell those in need, they should just suck it up.”

“That’s nothing,” said Levon. “Those liberals are crap.
At least that’s what dad says when he pays income tax.
He says they hate God, their words are decievin'
They’re hateful, elitist, and spawns of bad demons.”

And Sherri chimed in, her face cool and collected
“My mom says the poor are just overprotected.
And why should we help them through government plans.
The market can fix it, can’t they understand?”

Tony just laughed, and he said way too loud
“My daddy says right wings are stodgy and proud.
They don’t care for those whose income is low.
He says they don’t want those low incomes to grow.”

But Bennie was silent, his hands held his head
He seemed to be thinking of words that’d been said.
“It seems that our parents are fixed with their thoughts.
I guess it’s the way all our folks have been taught.
Should we all subscribe to the thoughts in extreme
And loathe all the ones with whom we don’t agree?
Life is complex, and as short as a song.
Would things be lots better if we all got along?”

All eyes were upon him, their faces were glazed.
As if light had shifted and broke through a haze.

“Don’t be such a pansy,” they said in accord.
“To do so is weakness, and makes us all bored.
To do so will find you both lame and ignored.
Tis better to be the one’s screaming for grease
Than being the ones who are praying for peace.”

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Copyright 2010 Warren Baker

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How to Lose Allies and Interrogate People- Dick Cheney

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Copyright 2010 Warren Baker
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In the Loo

(to Glenn Miller's In the Mood)

What’s the dealie daddy with congressional guys
What’s the matter, maybe you’ve got cataract eyes
I’ll just tell you, sonny, were you listenin’ at all?
Incontinental Congress leaves a mess in the hall.
So we see the chaos when two parties are rude
It seems our country’s waitin’
While you’re in the loo.

First we tell you firmly that we wanted a change
Then we said don’t let us lose our home on the range
And we know recovery will take us some time
With both aisles a screamin’ out their partyin’ line
Well, now our representatives are all on the spot
It’s time to get to business
Or get off the pot

In the loo
That’s where they’re sittin’
In the loo
It’s kind of fittin’
In the loo
The stink has thickened
Our country’s waitin’ for you to get out the loo, now

Off the pot
Some heavy liftin’
Off the pot
Stop cherry pickin’
Off the pot
The clock is tickin’
We’re done with toleratin’ so get off the pot, now.

So, you high and mighty, I don’t mean to be rude
Our confidence is fading
While we’re gettin’ screwed.

While you’re tossin’ fuel onto a partisan feud
Your worried ‘bout November
‘Stead of you know who.

Stop the crap you’re spewin’ all you patisan clans
With the kind of ‘tude that doesn’t lend us a hand
I’ll just tell you, honey, it’s way out of control
The hypocrites are winnin’ with their stale vitreol
We really shouldn’t care about the whom or the who
Just do the nation’s business
And get out the loo.

If you’re feelin’ helpless, and that Congress won’t care
Send this little ditty, whether e-mail or air
To the Hill that seems to take a long time to think
Even as economies continue to sink
Put your name to paper, and it’ll give ‘em shock
Let’s tell the jerks “Get busy
And get off the pot.”

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Copyright 2010 Warren Baker

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Partisan

(to the tune Bicycle Race)

Partisan partisan partisan
Why must we be so partisan, partisan, partisan?

Why must we be so partisan
With people we don’t like?
Why must we be so partisan?

Must everything be left or right?

You say tax, I say debt
You say facts, I say nyet
You say crap,
I say hey man
Mean was never my scene
And I don’t like pundits

You say rich, I say poor
You say health, show me the door
You say wealth, I say what?
The parties they don’t have a plan
Dems or the Republicans.
Maybe we should just have

Anarchy anarchy anarchy
I’m sick of all this partisan partisan partisan

Let’s send home all these partisans
Tell them to take a hike.
How do we replace partisans?
Protect ourselves from

Partisan waves keep on pushing their ways
It could be halitosis you smell
They engage tongues without starting their brains
Don’t go buying what all they can sell.

The ear marks
The debt
Whoa!

Partisan waves
Partisan ways
Partisan pains.

Partisan partisan partisan
How did we get so partisan partisan partisan
Partisan partisan
Partisan ways

You say vote, I say why

You say truth, I say lie

You say stop, I say try

Lap dog, I say,
Save it man

Will they listen to a resident of America?

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You say war, I say race

Hurry up, I say pace

Cover up, I say Gracious!
The self righteous are so full of it and
Myopic and dubious

Please grant me this one wish for

Harmony harmony harmony

I want to see some harmony harmony harmony

I’d like to see some harmony

At least once in my life

And when we find that harmony
We’ll loosen minds that once were tight.

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©2009 Warren Baker

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Cash for Geezers Finds Bipartisan Support

(K. Letterman News Agency)

In a bill garnering wide bipartisan support, the so-called Cash for Geezers bill is finding a foothold in a new ammendment to the current health care legislation.

Democrat and Republican representatives feel they've bridged an impasse.

"This legislation is a win-win situation for our great country," said Arnie Watthe, R-Idaho. "We pay. They go away."

"We feel we can save billions of dollars and possibly wipe out the deficit," said Billy Hekk, D-Florida. "With just a paltry amount of cash outlay, we can rid ourselves of this immovable health care burden."

The Watthe-Hekk ammendment proposes sending all senior citizens to Europe, all expenses paid, for ten years. Legislators believe that Europe's socialistic system of health care can take care of America's senior citizens. Canada was included in the original proposal, but many elderly protested because it was "just too darn cold up there."

A sliding expense scale attached to the bill shows that the average senior citizen will receive $20,000 in moving expenses and whatever proceeds from home and property sales. A recent study found that the average American couple over the age of 65 will pay an average of $250,000 in medical expenses in their remaining lifetime.

"Either way you do the math," said Watthe, "we recoup an incredible amount of savings, and grandpa and grandma get an extended vacation. It's a bargain."

"We really do have a lot of people excited about this proposal," Hekk added. "Not just the elderly, who've always wanted to go overseas, but a lot of our transients could be added to the ammendment."

According to inside sources, negotiations are beginning to take shape in how to send the homeless overseas. Some radio talk show hosts, including Rustic Limburgher, are praising the negotiations calling them "the great solution" since "those bums will never get a job anyway."
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Lemmings Make Comeback

(K. Letterman News Agency)

According to Wildlife and Animals International Federation, lemming populations are growing globally.

“We’re a little confused,” WAIF spokesman James St. James said in a statement. “The suicide rates have dropped to an almost nonexistent level. They’ve actually evolved into something quite different, although it appears their knack for following hasn’t dissipated.”

In a paper called “Lemmings: We’re Going to Need to Start Killing Them,” naturalists, biologists, and sociologists have come to the conclusion that American political parties have contaminated lemming culture.

“There are Democrat and Republican lemmings,” said St. James. “Rarely do we find any Independent lemmings.”

The paper found lemmings are adapting to specific, narrow ideologies at a very rapid rate. In three separate blind studies conducted at Our Lady of Perpetual Eternity University, the study found lemmings polarizing on current American issues and polarizing on different cable news channels.

“We placed a Pelosi doll in front of forty lemmings, and half the lemmings followed the doll wherever it went,” read one portion of the study. “We put a Rush Limbaugh doll in front of the same lemmings, and while twenty of the lemmings cackled in approval, the other half spat and turned in the other direction.”

The paper also found that ‘Republican’ lemmings preferred luxury cars and fine dining, while ‘Democrat’ lemmings enjoyed high mileage cars and Susan Sarandon movies.

Researchers are baffled over how the ‘contamination’ occurred, but one theory speculates that the rodents were infected with the “Human Flu” during the 2008 Presidential campaign.

The Society for Prevention of Polarizing Political Cruelty to Animals is investigating ways to counteract the lemmings’ political social disease, and a spokesperson for the SPPPCA said she hopes a cure will be found soon. The group is hoping the lemming suicide rate will rise in the near future.

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China Joins Columbian Record and Tape Club

(K. Letterman News Agency)

China’s news agency gloriously announced today it is seeking membership to the Columbian Record and Tape club.

“The Party has been examining this organization since the early 1970’s,” said Whey Hoff Baz. “We hope to be instated in this fine alliance in the next four to six weeks. We truly believe it is a golden investment.”

Chinese officials, according to inside sources, have always wanted to receive 12 albums for one penny since the days of Mao Tse-Tung. Mao, it has been reported, never wanted to pay retail for a Carpenters’ 8-track tape. People close to the now deceased icon recall how the former leader reminisced on how well Karen Carpenter played the drums.

Though the price has since risen in recent years, Whey says it’s still a bargain.

“We understand what it means to inflate and deflate prices,” he said. “Just look at our currency valuation.”

Columbian House, the new incarnation of the Columbian Record and Tape Club, made a fortune in the 1970’s and 1980’s by shipping monthly music to people too lazy to return an unwanted selection.

“If China wants to join,” said Monte Guano, chief membership officer for Columbian House, “China is more than welcome. We’re looking forward to approving their membership and sending out a billion CDs and DVDs to the wonderful people of China. And if we don’t receive the return card in four weeks, we’ll send out another billion CDs and DVDs. It’s a win-win situation.”

The struggling US Postal Service is closely watching the membership proceedings, expecting a possible windfall in postage sales.
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Bipartisan Spirit Found in Maryland

(K. Letterman News Agency)
After a 65 year absence, the Spirit of Bipartisanship was found sipping Mai Tais at Boogle's on the corner of 5th and Party in downtown Baltimore.

Most of the nation has been searching for the Spirit, who calls himself Mel, since the death of Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

"I know, I know," he said. "We need the Spirit of Bipartisanship. We need parties to work together. We need blah, blah, blah. Well, I need another Mai Tai."

In an exclusive interview, Mel admitted he missed the cooperation of parties, but he felt bars were a lot more fun to work in."

"The people are nicer," said Mel as he motioned at the patrons. "And when people see me, they say 'Hey, I can see through you' and 'Hey, can you buy me a drink, sailor.' Very friendly."

Asked why he felt bar patrons were more important than the health of the country, Mel claimed there was nothing he could do to help.

"Look," he said, sipping his drink, "Our representatives are so wacked, so extreme, I'm surprised they can agree on what the air conditioning is set on. They need more than a spirit, they need therapy. Take Vinnie, for example."

Vinnie, the Spirit of Cooperation, was last seen during the Truman presidency.

"Vinnie said he hovered around the halls recently, and all he could get out of anyone was, was...crap, I can't remember. Oh yeah. They agreed to be uncooperative. How's that for you?"

Mel also mentioned Linda, the Spirit of Truth.

"She's a sweet lady, no lie," Mel said. "But do you see what she has to work with? Geez."

And the Spirit of Unity?

"Uni-who?"
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Oppression Released

(K. Letterman News Agency)
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Today, perfume maker Ralph Loins released a new fragrance for men and women called Oppression.

According to test marketing documents, participants were more likely to ‘get their way’ when they wore the new perfume than when they did not wear the perfume.

“We found most people who wore the perfume liked the way people kowtowed to them,” said marketing analyst Richard Tator. “It was amazing how the power of the perfume dominated people.”

Out of 100 participants in the study, 95 percent reported an improvement in their people manipulation skills. Half the respondents achieved high political office while others went on to become dictators, French professors, and street musicians.

“People stop by more often to see me play because I will it so,” said Manny Minnie, a street musician located in Baltimore. “Revenues are up.”

“You can’t run a country without this stuff,” said Andre Gigantus, supreme leader of the Hooku Republic. “We have currently banned the fragrance from the general population, and we are exclusively using it with our police force and military. Instead of government by fiat, it’s government by fragrance!”

Allegedly, Ralph Loins contracted with Iran recently for a limited release of Oppression, but Loins spokesperson Debbie Hootoogie denies the accusation.

“We are certain that President Ahmadinejad was elected fairly,” said Hootoogie. “And he’s such a nice man.”
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FLLP Celebrates 50th Anniversary

(K. Letterman News Agency)

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The Future Legislative Leaders for the Populace, the FLLP, celebrated its 50th anniversary this year as one of the best places to find future political talent.

In a statement released by the FLLP (or Flippers), the organization congratulated itself on being high, mighty, and extremely inaccessible to the general public.

"We flippers believe it is our duty to act in our self-interest while seeking public offices," the statement said, "and therefore believe that the meek will inherit our dust."

Danny Adept, Whip Leader for Troop 245 in Dayton, Ohio, said the FLLP provides a solid background for those seeking skills in being public servants who don’t serve the public.

"Even from a young age," Adept said, "we teach those skills that prove invaluable in not only the playground of school, but also in the world’s playground. It’s everyone for themselves."

When young children enter the FLLP, they begin as Humans. By adolescence, they graduate to being a Rat. When Flippers leave the FLLP, most troop members hope to earn the honor of Weasel.

"When they reach the Weasel rank," said Adept, "the big dream is to earn the coveted Flopper badge."

Badges are earned in a variety of areas including how to find a good lawyer, how to create truth out of whole cloth, and how to manipulate friends and influence peddle.

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The Annoyinators 2

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(click graphic to enlarge)

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