(Kirk Letterman News Agency)The British monarchy announced today that Sir Paul McCartney was stripped of his MBE (Member of the Order of the British Empire) and has lost his title as ‘sir.’
“We’re really not at liberty to discuss such matters with those of the lower castes,” said spokesperson Michael Upsnoot. “But I assure you this is not a capricious act. We’ve given this much thought.”
But according to Buckingham sources, prior to the announcement, the Queen was seen running and screaming out of her chambers shouting, “Oh my God! What? He wrote that crap and sang it too? Who knew of this? Heads will roll! Ack!”
Tired from her run, sources say she regally collapsed on a very comfortable sofa. After being revived with smelling salts and small tasty tea cakes topped with mint and raspberry, she told her secretary to inform parliament and the populace that McCartney’s award be rescinded immediately.
“She’d never heard the song,” said one source. “Apparently this was the first time she’s heard ‘Wonderful Christmas Time’. She was traumatized, as one would expect to feel after hearing it.”
Released in 1979, the song was an instant hit with many who were hard of hearing. Recently released documents from Wikileaks revealed MI5 used the song to ‘persuade’ cold war enemy agents during interrogations. In 1992, the Geneva Convention outlawed playing “Wonderful Christmas Time” in a prisoner’s cell.
Many British citizens believe an urban legend suggesting the song was written and produced by a demon named Hugh. Other citizens feel McCartney was on an LSD trip and could not be held responsible for the song. Still others believe the song is a sign of the end times as was foretold by the hamster Gerald.
Jason Bounce, curator of the Museum of Sir Paul McCartney, expressed his disappointment with the decision, but he said he understood the rationale.
“Many of us were in denial,” Bounce said. “I mean, this is Paul McCartney! How could the same hand that wrote so many beautiful and lyrical pop standards be the same hand that penned that…thing. And now I’ll have to change my sign. Crap.”
Spokesperson Upsnoot would neither confirm nor deny any of the rumors.
