Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Expected Apple Announcements at Macworld 2010

(K. Letterman News Service)

According to company spokesman Paul Savvy, Apple plans to release several groundbreaking products at the 2010 Macworld Conference.

“We are very excited about this one,” Savvy said. “You plug in any Mac Pro computer, connect it easily to the internet, log on to the Apple store with your Apple account, and purchase a new home.”

Early tests in California show that Apple consumers enjoyed the experience so much, they purchased additional houses just because they could. The initial price tag, $725,000, was considered a reasonable price by most consumers. Houses included a living room that easily converts into a bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom. Though a refrigerator, sink, and toilet were missing from the original floor plan, Savvy says customers can purchase upgrades at anytime.

“Many items simply aren’t needed,” Savvy said. “Third party vendors will create the necessary apps to help make a new Apple house a new Apple home.

“Initial tests in Cupertino, CA show much promise,” Savvy said. “This new product, available only on the Mac platform, singlehandedly solves world hunger through the glory that is Steve Jobs.”

According to the initial specifications, the application works by holding an iPhone to one’s stomach and suddenly a ‘miracle’ takes place.

“All one needs to do is purchase an iPhone from the Apple store, and you will be healed,” Savvy said.

According to Apple insiders, the iCar will revolutionize the automobile industry.

“Most people know that Apple created the first car, way before Ford came out with the Model T,” said spokesperson, Les Credible.

The iCar, which only comes in the color white, can run for five hours on a single charge. Early tests suggest that adding additional items in the car like people, seats, and wheels pare the running time down to fifteen minutes. Insiders say if the battery in the car fails, customers are expected to purchase a new car to replace the battery.

Savvy did not elaborate on this, but sources say it eliminates the need of having a partner to create children. Details are sketchy, but early reports say it involves dual quad-core processing, 128GB of RAM, and an iTouch. Savvy said it is expected to be virus free.

Jobs will reportedly give a sneak peak a the latest Mac OS, codenamed Lemmings, at Macworld. According to Savvy, initial features included in the first incarnation of Lemmings are:

1. iMoney- this application shows you how much you need to spend at the Apple store on a weekly basis. Initial design includes a flashing warning icon featurng Steve Jobs' pouting face if you are not spending enough.

2. Obsolescence Meter- shows how often you should purchase an iPhone, an iPod, and any other products manufactured by Apple.

3. Mac Commercial Notification Manager- alerts user when to expect new, witty commercials from Apple and how to send the commercials to friends who use Windows.

4. QuickTime 25- engineers expect this version of QuickTime to play back every type of video and audio file known to man (except Windows Media). With QuickTime Pro, users will be able to move the very fabric of time and space.

5. Social Status Avatar- this feature creates an on screen avatar who responds to voice commands like “Open application” and “Freeze existing application.” The avatar, dressed in Birkenstocks, jeans, a cool jacket, and wearing expensive designer glasses, pops out of the middle of the screen and rushes around your monitor completing assigned tasks. Users will be able to accessorize the avatar with items purchased through the Apple store.

6. Upgradeamatic- this automatic upgrade device upgrades software constantly. Since there is no ‘on/off’ switch, users will no longer need to worry about those pesky ‘Do you want to upgrade?’ windows. Upgrades are confirmed when the application you are working in crashes.

7. Complimentary full sized beach ball that appears every time your computer has a problem.


  1. Thanks Warren, This came just when I needed a good laugh. I wonder if there is an app for that? Hope you guys had a great Christmas and have a wonderful New Years.

    Phil G.

  2. Thanks Phil. We had a nice, sedate Christmas. A cold here and there, but otherwise pretty nice.

    Hope things are groovy in your neck of the woods. Say hey to the folks down yonder for me.