Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Lemmings Make Comeback

(K. Letterman News Agency)
According to Wildlife and Animals International Federation, lemming populations are growing globally.

“We’re a little confused,” WAIF spokesman James St. James said in a statement. “The suicide rates have dropped to an almost nonexistent level. They’ve actually evolved into something quite different, although it appears their knack for following hasn’t dissipated.”

In a paper called “Lemmings: We’re Going to Need to Start Killing Them,” naturalists, biologists, and sociologists have come to the conclusion that American political parties have contaminated lemming culture.

“There are Democrat and Republican lemmings,” said St. James. “Rarely do we find any Independent lemmings.”

The paper found lemmings are adapting to specific, narrow ideologies at a very rapid rate. In three separate blind studies conducted at Our Lady of Perpetual Eternity University, the study found lemmings polarizing on current American issues and polarizing on different cable news channels.

“We placed a Pelosi doll in front of forty lemmings, and half the lemmings followed the doll wherever it went,” read one portion of the study. “We put a Rush Limbaugh doll in front of the same lemmings, and while twenty of the lemmings cackled in approval, the other half spat and turned in the other direction.”

The paper also found that ‘Republican’ lemmings preferred luxury cars and fine dining, while ‘Democrat’ lemmings enjoyed high mileage cars and Susan Sarandon movies.

Researchers are baffled over how the ‘contamination’ occurred, but one theory speculates that the rodents were infected with the “Human Flu” during the 2008 Presidential campaign.

The Society for Prevention of Polarizing Political Cruelty to Animals is investigating ways to counteract the lemmings’ political social disease, and a spokesperson for the SPPPCA said she hopes a cure will be found soon. The group is hoping the lemming suicide rate will rise in the near future.

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