Wednesday, July 8, 2009

China Joins Columbian Record and Tape Club

(K. Letterman News Agency)

China’s news agency gloriously announced today it is seeking membership to the Columbian Record and Tape club.

“The Party has been examining this organization since the early 1970’s,” said Whey Hoff Baz. “We hope to be instated in this fine alliance in the next four to six weeks. We truly believe it is a golden investment.”

Chinese officials, according to inside sources, have always wanted to receive 12 albums for one penny since the days of Mao Tse-Tung. Mao, it has been reported, never wanted to pay retail for a Carpenters’ 8-track tape. People close to the now deceased icon recall how the former leader reminisced on how well Karen Carpenter played the drums.

Though the price has since risen in recent years, Whey says it’s still a bargain.

“We understand what it means to inflate and deflate prices,” he said. “Just look at our currency valuation.”

Columbian House, the new incarnation of the Columbian Record and Tape Club, made a fortune in the 1970’s and 1980’s by shipping monthly music to people too lazy to return an unwanted selection.

“If China wants to join,” said Monte Guano, chief membership officer for Columbian House, “China is more than welcome. We’re looking forward to approving their membership and sending out a billion CDs and DVDs to the wonderful people of China. And if we don’t receive the return card in four weeks, we’ll send out another billion CDs and DVDs. It’s a win-win situation.”

The struggling US Postal Service is closely watching the membership proceedings, expecting a possible windfall in postage sales.

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