(K. Letterman News Agency)
After a 65 year absence, the Spirit of Bipartisanship was found sipping Mai Tais at Boogle's on the corner of 5th and Party in downtown Baltimore.
Most of the nation has been searching for the Spirit, who calls himself Mel, since the death of Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
"I know, I know," he said. "We need the Spirit of Bipartisanship. We need parties to work together. We need blah, blah, blah. Well, I need another Mai Tai."
In an exclusive interview, Mel admitted he missed the cooperation of parties, but he felt bars were a lot more fun to work in."
"The people are nicer," said Mel as he motioned at the patrons. "And when people see me, they say 'Hey, I can see through you' and 'Hey, can you buy me a drink, sailor.' Very friendly."
Asked why he felt bar patrons were more important than the health of the country, Mel claimed there was nothing he could do to help.
"Look," he said, sipping his drink, "Our representatives are so wacked, so extreme, I'm surprised they can agree on what the air conditioning is set on. They need more than a spirit, they need therapy. Take Vinnie, for example."
Vinnie, the Spirit of Cooperation, was last seen during the Truman presidency.
"Vinnie said he hovered around the halls recently, and all he could get out of anyone was, was...crap, I can't remember. Oh yeah. They agreed to be uncooperative. How's that for you?"
Mel also mentioned Linda, the Spirit of Truth.
"She's a sweet lady, no lie," Mel said. "But do you see what she has to work with? Geez."
And the Spirit of Unity?