Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Oppression Released

(K. Letterman News Agency)

Today, perfume maker Ralph Loins released a new fragrance for men and women called Oppression.

According to test marketing documents, participants were more likely to ‘get their way’ when they wore the new perfume than when they did not wear the perfume.

“We found most people who wore the perfume liked the way people kowtowed to them,” said marketing analyst Richard Tator. “It was amazing how the power of the perfume dominated people.”

Out of 100 participants in the study, 95 percent reported an improvement in their people manipulation skills. Half the respondents achieved high political office while others went on to become dictators, French professors, and street musicians.

“People stop by more often to see me play because I will it so,” said Manny Minnie, a street musician located in Baltimore. “Revenues are up.”

“You can’t run a country without this stuff,” said Andre Gigantus, supreme leader of the Hooku Republic. “We have currently banned the fragrance from the general population, and we are exclusively using it with our police force and military. Instead of government by fiat, it’s government by fragrance!”

Allegedly, Ralph Loins contracted with Iran recently for a limited release of Oppression, but Loins spokesperson Debbie Hootoogie denies the accusation.

“We are certain that President Ahmadinejad was elected fairly,” said Hootoogie. “And he’s such a nice man.”

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