Sunday, June 21, 2009

Apple Granted New Patent

(K. Letterman News Agency)
Today, Apple announced it has patented the letter 'i'.

According to papers filed with the Federal Trade Commission, Apple petitioned for the patent in early June. The patent was granted yesterday.

"It was a necessary move in our fight to represent the groovy people of the world," said Apple Second Banana Yul Lemming. "And patenting the letter 'i' is important in preserving our customers individuality and making us gobs of money."

Apple sells the iPod, the iPhone, and the iMac. Many bundles of software created by Apple also have the 'i' moniker.

Apple third party manufacturers were noticeably quiet about the decision. However, insiders say the manufacturers are outraged over the trademark decision.

"Unbelievable," said one unnamed source. "If we put an 'i' in front of any our products, Apple gets more of a piece of our pie."

The long running children's television show "Sesame Street" announced that it will no longer be sponsored by the letter 'i' nor will it allow the word 'apple' to be pronounced by cast members.

"The fees are ob...," said elderly Mr. Whitaker.

"...scene," said cute Miss Andrea.

"Ob-scene," said both Miss Andrea and Mr. Whitaker.

"Preposterous," said Ernie. "This corporate tyranny and unabashed capitalistic manipulation of the populace and governing authorities is unparalleled. It's abhorrent."

"It's crap," said Bert.

Manufacturers of non-computer products affected by the patent voiced angry complaints and retribution. Campbell’s announced they will no longer include the letter 'i' in its alphabet soup. Many authors also announced their displeasure with the patent by vowing never to write again in the first person.

New Apple commercials featuring the infamous Mac and PC couple already reflect the recent decision. The latest commercial starts:

"I'm a Mac."

"Me a PC."

Personal computer keyboards will also be subject to the patent. Apple is currently in negotiation with all PC manufacturers deciding what the 'fee per key' price will be.

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