Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Wisconsin to School Children: Suck it Up

(from the K. Letterman News Agency)
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced today that school children all across Wisconsin need to ‘suck it up’ when the legislature passes his current budget proposal.

“We are raising a generation of children who don't know how good they've got it,” Walker said in his address to the Wisconsin senate. “They need to know that many people never had a school bus to ride in, never had paper to write on, and never had a building to learn in. The time has come to be brave and learn under less than ideal circumstances.”

Walker went on to describe the future of Wisconsin education.

“Sure, class sizes will increase,” Walker said. “There’ll be less technology to help you prepare for a technologically savvy world. And maybe the days may seem longer in the classroom because school won’t let out till 9pm. But we can’t have adults shoulder all the burden of providing an easy way for you to learn. Those days are over. It’s time to pay the piper. You’ll thank me for it when you get older and have to work for minimum wage at a multinational corporation.”

Walker submitted his budget proposal today in hopes of not only garnering support from the public, but for encouraging children to be brave. Walker is calling his plan the “Fix Laziness Unilaterally for Neighborhood Kids” plan.

Among the budget recommendations:

1. All new school construction and maintenance will cease. Low cost tents will be purchased instead.
2. Teachers will be responsible for providing their own AV equipment (i.e. projectors, computers, and chalk). (Walker: “I think they can afford it. If not, they can have a bake sale.”)
3. Fire codes will be suspended so candles can be used to provide inexpensive light and heat for school classrooms and restrooms during the day.
4. All children whose parents earn more than $250,000 per year will be exempt from going to school, a plan Walker says will shrink class sizes “considerably” by 0.0125 percent.
5. Ketchup will be reinstituted as a vegetable.
6. Child labor laws will be lifted temporarily so children will be able to work to help support their unemployed parents.
7. Computers will be replaced with abacuses, crayons, and small rocks.

Many who have criticized the governor for his steadfast earnestness in taming the budget are flooding the streets and cheering and singing songs and drinking immense quantities of sangria.

“It is our lower wage duty to pitch in and help out our great state in this dire crisis caused by a severe cut in taxes and a whiny lower middle class that can’t afford campaign contributions to people in high office,” said one teacher. "I can't be more proud of my governor."

Another jubilant celebrant said, “It’s so great to see that we can work this out for the benefit of those rich enough to enjoy the benefits.”

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