(K. Letterman News Agency)
Evelyn Zacheree of Wendover, Michigan was taken to Koss Medical Center after reading 20 Hallmark cards at a local Harris Teeter grocery store.
"She was looking for a birthday card for her grandson," said Michele Glee, Zacheree’s daughter-in-law. "Then she saw the one with adorable kittens with glistening eyes. They’re playing with a ball of yarn, you know. And on the inside it said ‘I love you my little snoogum woogum.’"
Glee started crying.
"She asked for some water, and the next thing I know, she’s in a coma."
Doctor Eric Crawdaddy of Koss Medical Center’s Inedible Food and Diet Division said Zacheree’s case is not an isolated one.
"People with diabetes should be careful with their consumption of greeting cards," Crawdaddy said. "Greeting cards are loaded with sugar. They really perpetrate a health crisis."
"We’ve found as children start to read earlier in life, they start consuming an abnormal rate of greeting cards," said Professor Gentry O’Wymie of the Adults Researching Children Council in Bethesda. "With obesity on the rise, we strongly recommend illiteracy at least until children reach puberty."
Studies show that 1 out of every 4 children can read greeting cards by the age of five.
"Humorous cards are much better for the average person’s diet," said O’Wymie. "But the average cost of a laugh has risen over 32 percent. On the other hand, sugary cards have come down in price dramatically over the past seven years."
Under pressure from local health officials, Harris Teeter removed all cards with pictures of kittens, puppies, frolicking children, flowers, bunnies, and silhouetted couples holding hands against the backdrop of a sunset.
"They’re like any drug," Dr. Crawdaddy said. "You start using when you’re young, and since the price is cheap, you keep using and using more. It’s a dangerous game."