(K. Letterman News Wire)
Local poet, Simon Sez, was found guilty yesterday of practicing poetry without prior proper purposes of penultimate pretentiousness or polemic positioning. He was also caught authoring iambic pentameter using inches instead of meters.
"We’re very disappointed that his verse is so disjointed," said Bella Cosi of the Suffering Poets and Discord Society (SADS). "We had such an adverse reaction to his so-called verse didaction that we couldn’t risk inaction."
Cosi, wearing a beret and sipping a latte, testified at Sez’s trial. The testimony, which consisted of several couplets, a haiku, and a limerick based on irony, received several rounds of finger snaps and an interpretive dance from one of the jurors.
According to authorities, Sez was given a warning two weeks prior for authoring a poem called "The Moose Be Loose" where he compared Bullwinkle and Rocky to the Chicago fire of 1871.
"Lest you mess with the moose
And loose yon lantern
Be still you bovine
Or the squirrel will fly not…"
From "The Moose Be Loose" S. Sez 2014
"Gratuitous, convolutatist, and not the least incongruioustness," said Inspector Generalist Marquis Marko. "But a warning was all we could muster, and warned him never again to fluster."
According to court documents, Sez flustered again on the evening of May 22, this time penning "The Car, the Washing Machine, and the Mixing Bowler."
"Wet clothes make it go bump
Into the car that floods the lanes
And the bowler bowls a big black ball of beluga
Slick, salty, and sparing no one…"
From "The Car, the Washing Machine, and the Mixing Bowler" S. Sez 2014
Several jurors fainted when the evidence was read aloud in court. Defense Attorney Vogon Yeats objected to the reading saying the "verse was highly inflammatory" and would be "calamitory" to his client. Yeats said Sez was only working on a rough draft. The prosecution countered the objection saying "Fie! Fie! Fie! It’s on the web. You lie!"
In addition to revoking Sez’s license, the court ordered the defendant to serve 6 months in Rhythmic Rehab, take Alliteration 101, and refrain from rhyming till he gets better timing.
(click picture to enlarge)