Black Friday (Shopping Edition)

(to Steely Dan's Black Friday)

When Black Friday’s done
The stores will close the doors
And say “Thanks for shopping!” as they hike up the prices more

When Black Friday’s done
I suspect everyone reloads
And the cash they’ve not sings out for a new bar code

When Black Friday’s done
You find it’s not for free
They’re gonna finance me

When Black Friday’s done
My goose I am gonna cook
Wanna carve on the big bad bird and my little check book

Gonna lose my shirt on fees
Gonna charge myself some shoes
While singing my tune “Poor Me, I’ve the Shoppin’ Blues”

When Black Friday’s done
I’ll be seeing red
I’ll stay in bed

When Black Friday’s done
I’m gonna check some sales at Kohls
Gonna say “I’ll swing it,” as I mortgage down my soul

Gotta love deferred accounting
The main mission gonna bring me bounty
And when I’m in jail I hope I’m gonna make parole

When Black Friday’s done
I’m gonna claim no shame
I play retailers’ game

Copyright 2010 Warren Baker

Leaves Me Wondering (Black Friday Limerick)

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The paper this morn it did tease
Those circulars, my eyes did see
The paper I found
It weighed fifteen pounds
And all I could think was “Poor trees.”

Lost In A Parking Lot

(to Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell)

I waved to my wife
“I’ll see you at four o’clock”
At the local mall, so unique
Where the credit cards flock
Left the house two hours ago
The cars go slow, try to spot
The right slot
I can’t find my wife
Got lost in the parking lot

No one wants to leave
They’re living their carpe diem
And they’ll drive their Beetle
Take a space and a half, there’s no free one
Don’t you want to slap the schmoe
Cause he don’t know how to park
In a spot
I’m wasting my life
I’m lost in the parking lot

Hey greedy speedy
There’s no way of slowing her down
See her drinking a Snapple
She’s wielding her bulky humvee
Please!
Saw the mall when sun aglow
The moon now shows over top
Of the lot
They turned out the lights
I’ll sleep in a parking lot.

Sun shone bright
Awoke to car door slam
And my sweet little Maxine
Put her stash in the van
“Honey, hope you’re not too sore
But I must go back and shop
For a jot.
More cash would be nice
So find you a parking spot.”

Copyright 2010 Warren Baker

A New Christmas Song

(to the Christmas Song)

Lug nuts resting by a flattened tire
Cold snow seeping through your clothes
Waking dreams with you sitting by a fire
Till frostbite creeps into your toes

Who would have known, the wet flares outside refused to glow
They’ll not bring bright into your night
Cars fly by, not a one drives by slow
Could give a flip about your life

All those drivers are on their way
Those Christmas sales on toys and trinkets end today
And every dollar bill is gonna fly
In these times we find them in such short supply.

And so I’m authoring a simple phrase
To those who, by my house, just flew
So now let me say
See the cops
On their way?
Merry Christmas, adieu.

I hope this offering is not in vain
Your speeding, I do not approve.
You've just heard me say
Slow it down
Or you'll pay.
Slow your Christmas, yeah you.

Copyright 2009 Warren Baker
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