Goo Goo Ga Ga- Born This Way

Kicked Out of Hogwarts Again

(to Let's Do The Timewarp)

I was packing
Wand was leaving
Classes to cut short

My teachers loathe me
Though for magic I hunger
So many spells to know

I dismembered someone at Hogwarts
Speaking
The wrong word blend
Last night I’d been drinking
And my words came out faulty

Kicked out of Hogwarts again!
Kicked out of Hogwarts again!

The teacher said with a sniff
“You have a spell to recite
Just pronounce with your lips.”
I couldn’t get it right.

And Willie’s head combusts
Well, that’s the end of my ‘A’

Kicked out of Hogwarts again!
Kicked out of Hogwarts again!

Not too pretty
They all disapproved me
Told them “I’m pleading!
Don’t make me bawl.”

But they talked of their pension
A chance of some litigation
They concluded,
Citing law:

“In the case of a head rip
The accused takes a long trip.
Unless head of student is regained.

Just go take a vacation.
You’re a wiz on probation.”

Kicked out of Hogwarts again!
Kicked out of Hogwarts again!

Well they were pushing me to leave
My heart starting to sink
When a spell came to mind
Help me reverse my deed
With a stroke of luck
A change before my eyes
The teachers floated up
And they shrunk in size
To eyes a treat
And to ‘hers’ they changed
Soft and lovely
Gorgeous were these dames

And all the boys they did grin!
Much to the teachers’ chagrin!

So now I’m feeling bereft
And just a little contrite
For my spell’s verbal trip
Had made them just my type

And with my magic touch
All Lady Gagas became

I’m back at Hogwarts again!
I’m back at Hogwarts again!

Copyright 2010 Warren Baker

Boil to Lance

(to Lady Gaga's Bad Romance)

Ooh ooh ow ow ow
Oh my rump ma ma
Ee ee why why why
I’ve got a boil to lance

Iiee Iiee no no no
Hey yo, go slow slow
Stick, nick, don’t care how
I’ve got a boil to lance

I’ve got a bumpy
I want pain to ease
I want that sharpy thing and make sure it’s clean
Please wear your gloves
Glove-glove-glove
Please wear your gloves

I want it pronto
A blade in your hand
I want this fluid baggy brought to its knees
May need a jug
Jug-jug-jug
May need a jug

(I sit and it’s painful
It’s a fate that is cruel
I have a boil
Boil to lance)

No, I’m not kidding
Maybe grab a syringe
So I guess I’ll have to drop my pants.
It hurts while sitting
And I’m wearing Depends
Can’t you see I’ve got a boil to lance?

Ooooh
I’ve got a boil to lance
Ooooh
I’ve got a boil to lance

Ow-ow-oo-oo-ouch
Must I stand or crouch?
Or lay on a couch
Take this boil and lance

Ooh ooh no no no no
Your hands oh so cold
Whoa whoa that’s too low
See the boil, now lance

To hell with honor
To hell with refined
This pain is visceral this hind ain’t benign
Don’t be so rough
Rough-rough-rough
Don’t be so rough

Don’t want no lipo
No fat sucking stick
Just want this pain to go so hurry be quick
Or give me drugs
Drugs-drugs-drugs
Or give me drugs

(Can’t wait till the pain’s gone
No chair can I sit on
I’ve got a boil
A boil to lance)

Don’t take no pictures
That you’ll share with your friends
Can’t you see I’ve got a boil to lance?

Ooooh
I don’t need butt implants
Ooooh
I’ve got a boil to lance

No no cha cha cha
My rump ya ya ya
Move groove, na na na
Got no time to dance.

Boo boo bye bye bye
Pain pain die die die
Make me cry cry cry
Got a boil to lance

Gawk gawk it’s amazing
Lance it
Ooh it itch like crazy
Pop pop pain is blazing
Lance it
No no no delaying
Talk talk no more teasing
Lance it
Skin that’s flat is pleasing

I want some drugs
Or my nerves will unhinge
Don’t want no hugs
Can’t you see my skin cringe

Oooh
I’ve got a boil to lance
Oooh
I’ve got a boil to lance

Don’t sit and study
The contour of my end
What was that, was that a furtive glance?
I’m not your buddy
I’m a patient, not friend
Can’t you see I’ve got a boil to lance?
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Copyright 2010 Warren Baker
Originally appeared on Am I Right.
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Chewy Baca- The Mane Monster

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Chewy sans solo.

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(Not So Subtle) Lack of Taste

(to the song Poker Face)

Mum mum mum mah
Mum mum mum mah

I wanna write them' and make something that says sleaze
Shock them then I bop them, hear the lyric, see me tease
Money, innuendo with a hook that tops the charts
Watch me play my cards right and become the queen of tarts

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
It’s just a show, just see how low I’ll go
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
It’s just a show, just see how low I’ll go

This is my, this is my
Not so subtle lack of taste
(it just won’t fool nobody)
This is my, this is my
Not so subtle lack of taste
(it just won’t fool nobody)

L-l-l-lack of taste, l-l-lack of taste
(mum mum mum mah)
L-l-l-lack of taste, l-l-lack of taste
(mum mum mum mah)

I wanna show you just how subtle I can be
A lot of naughty for my audience, the teens.
And if you’re older, it’s a bonus I’ll collect
Honey, it’s the money, so now let me cash my check

Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
I’ve had my shots, you see I care a lot
Oh, oh, oh, oh, ohhhh, ohh-oh-e-ohh-oh-oh
I’ve had my shots, you see I care a lot

(chorus)

I will show you that I got you
Gyrate for you
Cause i'm nothin' without somethin’
I can taunt you
I'm just singin’
With my monotone that’s ringin’

Just like a brick that breaks a plate glass window
You can’t ignore the fact I am adult Nintendo
If it’s honesty, it’s honesty
You won’t find it with me.
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©2009 Warren Baker

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