The Blogging Baker

Podiatrist's Dream

2012-01-20T07:54:00.003-05:00

To Perry, they've given the boot

Twas often in foot he would shoot

With new parting shot

He's casting his lot

Behind an ol' foot shootin' Newt.

(photo from Salon.com)

Swallows and Coconuts

2012-01-13T16:54:00.001-05:00

Hail to Tebow, Denver Star

2012-01-09T07:24:00.001-05:00

(to "When You Wish Upon a Star")

Hail to Tebow, Denver star
Beats the de-fense, tears apart
Score machine, his arm’s on fire
Ask Pittsburgh, do

If his play leads to T-D
Head will bow, he’ll drop to knee
Some may think the boy’s bizarre
He’s God imbuedSome unkind

They think the boy is smug
At least he’s not a thug
No ego drumming

In his Bronco jersey blue
Faith steps in and sees him through
If with Tebow, you do spar
You’ll be subdued

Christmas Tree Soliloquy

2012-01-07T17:53:00.001-05:00

(to Shakespeare's Hamlet soliloquy "To be, or not to be.")

To keep, or not to keep—that is the question
Whether tis nobler in the home to coddle
The tree and needles, an indulgent notion
Or to take balm of season, toss on rubble,
And through removing it, end all. I cry, I weep—
I mourn—to toss the tree, to say “the end.”
A friend once... now this vacant seasonal spot,
Twas such a nice view. Aid of supplication,
Tow’ring in its stand. Oh fie! So sweet—
It greets—the branches gleam. No, not a shrub.
There in that glow of green, those dreams did come
When we saw parcels tucked, hid under foil,
That hope I saw. Here I reject
Our 'toss a holiday with speed," brief life.
So vile to trim the tree and short its time.
A December song, the fat man’s approved scene,
The bulbs of divine glow, the light display,
The incidents of glitter, and the paws
So playful, bat at all the low dangling bait.
Doth glee, itself, sleep past holiday date
In a box, packed in? Doth this symbol scare?
Let stand and tend past the ordained date!
Deny the dread of keeping after time.
For understanding, hear me. For what law
Says send the tree to die? Puzzles me still.
Why break this evergreen whose ills are none?
Must throw out, brothers? What's this thought made of?
Its presents, tree kept us happiest toward all,
And to the tree, adieu? Sad resolution
Plays empty chord of the days past, the blot
On saddened eyes that once bright for moment,
With lights, a star... their joy now tossed away,
And sits on frozen pavement--- See how now
The year is calling you, “Come to my horizon
But lose that tree you tended.”

KittyKu

2012-01-02T00:53:00.000-05:00

I sit and I wait
They'll feed me and adore me
Humans are easy

iPad 3 Released

2011-12-31T08:06:00.001-05:00

Apple announced the release of iPad 3 today. The new release comes on the heels of Amazon’s recent release of Kindle Fire.

“We decided to make new iPad a little retro,” said spokesperson Gala Reddelicious. “We asked our engineers to go back to the drawing board and make the new iPad out of less expensive materials so we can bring cost down and make it easily affordable.”

According to the technical specifications, the iPad 3 is made of Picea Piceoideae, an element commonly found in forests throughout the world. It comes with 50 ‘pages’ that contain strategically drawn ‘lines’ that assist users while they write and draw using a special Apple stylus. The stylus is made of graphite and recycled trees. Extra 'pages' can be purchased at various office supply stores.

The pages, according to specifications, may be kept indefinitely and filed in what’s called a ‘cabinet,’ According to the iPad 3 documentation, a cabinet is a large box that has folders.

“And there’s no need to print,” said Reddelicious. “Once you have made your image, you simply tear out the page and file it in your cabinet.”

According to Apple, the iPad 3 comes with a redesigned animation engine that allows users to ‘draw pictures’ with the stylus on different pages and produce a quick animation. Though previous animation engines on the iPad would drain batteries quickly, the new engine does not require a battery. The new technlogy called iFlip® involves the user bending the iPad's iFlex® pages and releasing each page quickly, one page after the other.

“The beauty of the iPad 3 is that there's no battery, no WiFi, and no need to spread your fingers in an uncomfortable fashion so you can see a larger picture,” Reddelicious added.

The new iPad comes with a special Apple iMagnify® tool that’s easily held over the page so you can see what’s been written.

Many publications have heralded the new technology as “revolutionary” and “game changing.” According to one publication, the reviewer found the technology so simple that a “manual is unnecessary. A child could use this.”

The new iPad 3 will be officially released in the first quarter of 2012. Street price is estimated at $349.95.

Holiday Safety

2011-12-26T23:49:00.002-05:00

May Joy find you all
Unless Joy is a stalker
Then call the police.

Crustaceanary Bike

2011-12-25T22:53:00.001-05:00

The 12 Haiku of Christmas

2011-12-22T20:29:00.000-05:00

The 12 Haiku of ChristmasDay 1Generous womanLovely partridge she gave meTree, unexpectedDay 2Doves arrived todayOddly dressed in turtlenecksFought partridge for treeDay 3Foreign born birds cameNot happy with their new homeInsist on chateausDay 4What’s with all the birds?Four just arrived with cell phonesEach touch screen challengedDay 5She went to Jared’sShe financed five rings of goldOur house now for saleDay 6Breakfast problem solvedPersonal egg factoryVery noisy oneDay 7Pool confiscatedFowl swans swimming recklesslyNeed hygiene lessonsDay 8Eight maids and eight cowsNeighbors beginning to talkI will not cowtowDay 9Nine pole dancing galsNeighbors now taking picturesNeed liquor licenseDay 10Lords arrived FedExStuffed in very small boxesThey leaped out quicklyDay 11Pipers piped too longSound ordinance was brokenPolice were summonedDay 12Twelve drummers drummingPolice cart me to quiet cellSilent night at last

A Plumber's Christmas

2011-12-20T00:09:00.000-05:00

The story goes there was a plumber with an incredible ability to make himself small and then climb into faucets and thoroughly explore pipes. One Christmas eve, a customer asked him to come buy and fix a leaky sink. This was not a problem since the plumber passionately hated Christmas. It was just another day to him.When he arrived, he found the customer's house was beautifully decorated for the holidays. Lights were everywhere. Wreaths on every door. Candles in the windows. Mistletoe hanging in doorways. Even the sink was decorated with tiny wreaths and painted green and red.He shrugged off the decor and proceeded to shrink his body to fit into the sink's faucet. As he crawled inside the pipe, something strange happened. He was overcome with warm feelings about Christmas. He heard Jingle Bells playing in his head, and he liked it. He wanted to decorate his home with a tree. He wanted to buy presents for friends and strangers.When he recalls that moment 20 years ago, a tear comes to his eye. For that was the day he got into the Christmas spigot.

Spending

2011-12-16T00:39:00.000-05:00

She Went to Jared

2011-12-11T08:40:00.001-05:00

Yeah. I Thought That Too

2011-12-08T17:03:00.001-05:00

Rainy Eve

2011-12-07T07:20:00.001-05:00

Nurturing all below with winsome drops
Simple and sublime and splashy
I hear the taps and you want to come in
I hear the dog and she wants to go out
And out I go
Covers me with soft sheets falling at angles
Vibrations of silver and white
Shimmering currency paying the night
Under neighborhood light

Happy Cyber Menday!

2011-11-28T08:59:00.001-05:00

Sesame Chicken

2011-11-20T19:10:00.001-05:00

Oh, my ill fated self
Lured by your syrup trap
Foul art thou, crunchy bird
How you taunt rice of fried
Time will pass, yet you stay
Lead lumps lurk, leaving knot
Lay now I, splayed on couch
You, once, I savored sweet
Head now on pillow sleeps.

Kolchak: Who Ya Bettah Call..

2011-11-19T18:40:00.001-05:00

Keep

2011-11-12T08:58:00.001-05:00

Goo Goo Ga Ga- Born This Way

2011-11-08T11:38:00.000-05:00

Upgrade

2011-11-08T06:32:00.000-05:00

(to Petula Clark's "Downtown")

Pick up the phone
And call a techie who’s lonely
Voice will always drone
Up-grade

When you’ve got issues
Time to break out the tissues
Words of help will moan
Up-grade

On hold for half an hour to some sappy silly ditty
Hearing all the pitches from a salesman none to witty
Hold music blues…

The hope of quick plight repair
You sense regret o’er your purchase
Upset, you despair

You’re told
“Up-grade
Version ten’s great, so just
Up-grade.”
You’re quite irate, you grrrrrr
Up-grade
Crazy crap software for you

Bugs they confound
Your program’s crashing around you
You’ll be short some dough
Up-grade

Beach ball will turn
Or lovely blue screen will burn you
See the mouse, it froze
Up-grade

You bought into the experts and their lauding words applauding
You’re now thinking, as you stew, the weasels were defrauding
Shafted again

You lost a doc, can’t repair
You can’t retrieve what you’re saving
Impaired by affair

You must
Up-grade
No use to gripe tonight
Up-grade
Get out a check to write
Up-grade
You wanna say “Program, ciao.”

Up-grade
(up-grade)

And you hoist box offensive, toss it out to street below you
Fuse you blew, the boys in blue will cuff your angry hands to
Bring you along

The sirens blare take you there
You now forget all those troubles
Forget tech impaired

You go
Downtown
Pictures they take when you’re
Downtown
You’ll hear a slammin’ door
Downtown
Cell is now new home for you

Reality 1:1-8

2011-11-06T13:58:00.000-05:00

Reality 1:1-8
1- And it came to pass that man created distractions in his own image.
2- They said to one another, "Let us create a salve that will keep us from doing things that we ought do and keep us from thinking things we ought ponder."
3- The elders sat and looked wise for they were old and could do little more than look old and wise.
4- Suddenly, an elder by the name of Realiteevus cried in a loud voice: "We must find the biggest idiots in the village and make them into examples so that we can be amused by their abherrant behaviour. And we can sit and watch them on the magically lit box for hours and righteously think well of ourselves."
5- And the people were delighted for they were exhausted with doing things that they ought and thinking things that they should.
6- Soon the village gathered the idiots into one place and asked the idiots to be themselves. And they complied.
7- Scribes documented the moment, joyfully recording the least redeeming sides of the village idiots.
8- And the documents were shared on the magically lit box, and many in the village watched and grinned and rejoiced in their manufactured distraction.
9- Then it came to pass that little to nothing ever got done and everyone felt good about themselves.

UTomb- Shocktober

2011-10-31T19:40:00.000-04:00

UTomb- Shoctober. Featuring the hits "Goria," "Strangled in a Strange Land," and "Fire."

I Witnessed Leaves of Comfort Fall

2011-10-23T13:36:00.001-04:00

I witnessed leaves of comfort fall
On top of grasses green and tall
In winds they toss, in patterns grand
Broad blanket stitched with living hand
Are souls who peer through glass unsure?
One season dies then leaves restore
We see this resurrection play
On breezes borne on autumn day
My troubles fade though many call
I witnessed leaves that comfort all.

Adventures of Parenthetical Man (Part 1)

2011-10-13T08:12:00.003-04:00

Parenthetical Man looked at his watch and realized he didn’t have too much time (which is safe to say of all of us since we’re on this sphere for only so long, and looking at watches and using them as a demarcation line to see how long we have left is a senseless exercise in practicing not really knowing how much time one has left but really seeing how much time is left before you write off the last tick mark of your existence. And the watch, which was a story in itself, was given to him by his mother-in-law, Katie, who bought the watch on sale at Dillards because 1) it was on sale and 2) she liked the way Mickey Mouse genuflected the time. Of course, she was a Mickey Mouse fan from the days when Mickey was Steamboat, a simple black and white piece of celluloid who seemingly whistled for days on end in a humorous but often annoyingly long fashion that was certainly good for grandkids and small attention bereft pets, but not as pleasing for world weary adults who can only watch whistling rodents for short periods of time until they needed to check their watches and realize they didn't have too much time).

Pleasin' with a Pun

2011-10-02T10:06:00.001-04:00

Long time I’ve known thisdoctor friend

He’d lend me washer, noquarters I would spend

At times would useexcessive steam

Shrunk my pants andBVD’s

Now I’ve got recessivejeans

On farm I worked bothday and night

I’d milk the cows andthey would never fight

I’d sit on stool andoften swear

Smelly sweat and stinkyhair

I would smell like dairyair.

I love words, I have fun

Life is pleasin’ with apun

But this cheese, likethe rhyme

Some may say they ain’trefined.

Phil swam with friendsin deep blue sea

He was a big shrimp,with big an-tin-nee

At times he ponderedright and wrong

Then one night epiph’nydawned

(In)Game of Life, he wasa prawn.

The catapult will makethings fly

In olden days, largeobjects filled the sky

Used many things fromanywhere

Tried a pig, it sailedthrough air

Now there’s swine fleweverywhere

I love words, I have fun

Life is pleasin’ with apun

For the swine haven’tgone

You’ll find more ham inmy song.

I love words, they’resuch fun

Life is pleasin’ with apun

Have some wine with theprawn

There are more tales,then I’m gone

Winged pal from hell,made Edie glum

Her screeching bird,abusive kind of scum

But anytime the grasswould grow

Bird would trim, makeyard aglow

Our Edie’s meanie mynahmowed.

The sky, behold, itsstars do shine

The universe expanding,can’t confine

You’ll see in orbit glowingbright

Cratered funny satellite

We see it moon us ev’rynight

Words of joy I won’t shun

Life is breezy with apun

If a bird you will seek

Look for stylish one who’schic

Don’t annoy, be a chum

Keep it breezy with a pun

If a line you do spawn

Put that baby in a song

Season's Edge

2011-09-30T19:22:00.000-04:00

Oh Fall!
How I missed thee
Thy cool air and early eves
Brisk walks in sweater worn
Comfort me, season of turning
Orange and purple skies surround hearty souls
Breathe in me thy breath of change
Let mine eyes touch thy October embrace
Trees branch out and give color
To young and old
Leaves coat
Leaves blanket
Leaves...
(Hmmm)
Leaves, leave me
Ye evil back breaker of otherwise festive season
Clothe my neighbors yard where thou art the prettiest
From afar
Fall not
Stay put on thy perch
No really, just stay
Fie! Fie!
Let them not lie!
My face wet with tears, cry I
Sigh.
In fact, I'm missing summer already
Crap.

Unramble

2011-09-24T15:15:00.000-04:00

Spinning’s all we do upon this dot
Doing should be done and live a lot
Creeping we should not to find the more
Seeking eyes will spot an open door
Singing on a swing all night in park
Paying moon no heed when after dark
Living we must do and often grin.
Loving life’s the currency, amen.

Bachmann Turning Overhype

2011-08-18T23:03:00.001-04:00

Said Bachmann, while sipping some tea
“On gas, you will save! Elect me.”
Why wait till that time?
Let’s not pay a dime.
She gives us all gas now for free.

(Note: Michele Bachmann recently suggested that if she became President, we'll see $2 gasoline.)

Spigot, It Had Died

2011-08-17T22:59:00.002-04:00

(to Norman Greenbaum's "Spirit in the Sky")

When I tried and no turn, I distressed
Water flow, no refreshment to bless
And I checked with plumber guy
Sure enough, stubborn spigot, it had died

Sure enough, stubborn spigot, it had died
(spigot it had died)
And there’s no water flow, oh my my
(oh my my)
It had died, as my plumb guy assessed
Gotta pay to replace faucet pest

Declared myself
“Repair is a must
Gonna try a hand at fix up.”
So I told the plumber guy
“I’m gonna try replacing,
Fix the spigot that had died.”

So I tried replacing my old spigot that had died
(spigot that had died)
And then my plumber guy said goodbye
(said goodbye)
Then I pried and I cussed, I confess
No tougher job to replace, faucet mess.
Hard to replace, faucet mess.

Never been a plumber
I never plumbed
I made a sink go com-bust
Water flow? No water fly.
The pressure blew it up
Sent the spigot in the sky

I blew it up, sent the spigot in the sky
(spigot in the sky)
And saw my money go, said bye bye
(said bye-bye)
So I tried but I have no finesse
And now a hole in the house I possess
Hole in the house I possess.

Where Lost Things Go

2011-08-17T22:54:00.003-04:00

It had been there. I put it underwater, beneath the fluffy and grease hungry suds.

And it vanished.

I saw its brother bowl sitting in the dish strainer. He looked lonely and bothered. Maybe he was thinking, “He’ll soon be here. I’m covered.” But my hands which fished under the dishwater had bad news. No lid. No cap. No cover.

Guess I'll have to buy more cling wrap, I thought.

So I stood over the sink wondering where lost bowl lids go. Certainly physics doesn’t disappear when a sink is filled with dirty dishes. Maybe this is the new math, I thought. Maybe when ‘x’ amount of hot water is added to ‘x’ amount of soap, then ‘x’ number of bowl lids dissolve. I sighed with relief that my hands weren’t made by Rubbermaid.

And the missing lids made me wonder about socks. Socks which were once a pair become divorced by the simple act of washing them. Once, I remember counting all the socks I put in the washing machine, counting them again when they were transferred into the dryer. Then just like the moisture, a sock would disappear. Sometimes more than one escaped. Could there be a rip in the space time continuum Maytag?

An investigation was warranted. I let out the dishwater, grabbed a flashlight, and explored the pipe. No trace. I went under the sink and looked for holes. No holes. No lids.

I took the flashlight upstairs to explore the dryer. I shined the light inside, and I expected to find nothing. I shined it back and forth, and before long I noticed a slight shimmering. A shimmering? I didn’t order any shimmering when I bought my dryer. Indeed, I remember telling the nice fellow at Lowe’s that I wanted a shimmerless dryer. And he looked at me with one of those looks that you often find at the DMV where you make a joke and you’re countered with a blank stare. Kind of like the stare you’re giving me now.

But there it was, this shimmering thingy. I grabbed a toilet plunger (that was clean), and I poked the handle into the shimmer. The tip vanished. I pushed the handle in further, and the rest of the handle disappeared.

When I felt the tug, I was shocked. Shocked as in I was alarmed my dryer had someone or something on the other side. And that someone or something on the other side of this shimmering thingy was reacting to my prod with a pull. The dryer and I were playing tug of war with a toilet plunger. I let go of the plunger, and it flew into the dryer and through the shimmering void.

This was disconcerting.

You're probably thinking I should have called the Maytag repairman. After all, Maytag repairman do little more than make TV commercials all day. And I’m sure those Maytag men have a lot more experience with shimmering dryer drums than I do. But I didn’t call the repairman. Which was a mistake.

I reached my hand inside the dryer and poked at the shimmer. My finger disappeared. Then my wrist. Then my forearm. And just as I was marveling at how this must appear to those uninitiated with the fine art of dryer exploration, my arm was tugged. But I didn’t feel a hand grabbing my arm. It was more like a force, and not like the one Luke found so handy in a galaxy far, far away. My arm was being sucked in.

When you’re being assaulted by a major appliance, the only thought that comes to mind is “I’m being assaulted by a major appliance. Was there an expiration date on the vodka?” No, the vodka was fresh. Was I dreaming? Nope, not dreaming.

My shoulder had reached the threshold of the shimmer, and for once, I was glad I had stopped eating overly fatty food and chocolate. Till that point, I had reluctantly given up humungous hamburgers and overly caloric candy bars. I missed them both. And no amount of salad could replace a Kit Kat bar. But since I stopped eating the bad stuff, I lost weight. And losing weight meant I was thinner, which was a good thing. The inevitable was about to happen, and it soon did.

My entire body was pulled through the dryer.

Have you ever been sucked through a jet engine? Neither have I, but I imagine the experience was a lot like what happened to me, sans the shredding. I was whooshed into a blackness which soon turned into a festival of lights, much like being surrounded by a bunch of Windows screen savers. I knew I was moving at a pretty fast clip, and it felt like I was flying for an eternity. And when I landed with a thud, I discovered eternity had an end.

I sat there on the ground, or whatever it was, and I looked around. Socks. Lids. Car keys. Glasses. Earrings. Pen caps. Wallets.

I had found the land of lost things, and I was lost with them. Lovely.

I heard something make a noise. I noticed some of the nearby items lifting themselves above the ground and forming a ‘body.’ I say ‘body’ because it had arms and legs, a torso and a head. And, oddly, it wore glasses. What a sight.

It walked toward me with a gait more akin to inebriation than walking. But even with its weird and spastic movements, all of the items that comprised its body stuck to the body like glue. Which is when I noticed that part of the body contained adhesive tape and little containers of Elmer’s glue.

“I am Sockaglassylidearring Pentop,” it said. The voice sounded dry and hoarse. Had it lost its voice? “You can call me Steve.”

“Steve,” I said, marveling that I was talking to a heap of discarded consumer goods, “I am Warren. You can call me perplexed.”

“Welcome, Perplexed.”

I wanted to correct it, but thought better of it.

“Where am I?” I asked instead.

“This is the planet… This is, uh. We call this the planet, uh..”

“Memory loss?”

“No, that’s not it,” it said. “I know I wrote it down somewhere.” It proceeded to peel off different post-it notes that were stuck on its body.

“I’m sure it will come to you,” I said. “Can you tell me how to get home?”

It ignored me.

“Home,” I said again. “I was at home before I came here. Home in my dryer.”

More ignoring. I felt I had discovered where DMV employees come from.

I pried my gaze away from it, and I started looking around me. A few yards away I saw my toilet plunger. Beside the plunger was a carpet of loose playing cards. All of them were the 4 of diamonds. That explained a lot.

At this point, the author lost his train of thought. If you find it, please let me know. And be sure to check the dryer.

Regards,

Warren

Biceptual

2011-08-06T18:13:00.001-04:00

There once was this muscle man Jim
Who dated a small lass named Kim
With one arm he'd lift
His girl really swift
And there she'd be out on a limb.

Opinion

2011-07-30T07:22:00.003-04:00

I’ve got one
It’s a BIG one
It’s the large sum
Of a thought run
Seems a lost one
Near a loud one

Speak it, undone

So a low hum
Forms a closed one
From an out one
To an in one
But I’ve got one
Or two

Ain't No Pork Rinds

2011-07-19T07:29:00.003-04:00

(to Bill Withers' "Ain't No Sunshine")

Ain’t no pork rinds when she’s home
It’s just tofu ev’ry day
Ain’t no pork rinds when she’s home
And my stomach’s none too fond
When the rinds, she throws away

Dinner last time at our home
Bulgur dense like wood decayed
Dinner last time at our home
All this food tastes like our lawn
With a slice tree bark filleted

And I drone, I moan, I groan, I drone, I moan,
I drone, I moan , I groan, I drone, I moan , I groan, I drone
I moan , I groan, I drone, I moan , I groan, I drone
I moan , I groan, I drone, I moan , I groan, I drone, I moan, I groan

Lord, I want to just eat a big bag alone
But ain’t no pork rinds when she’s home
Blandest veggies in a plate
Ain’t no pork rinds when she’s home
And this food seems freshly mowed
Wanna eat armed hand grenade

What a crime, rinds gone away
What a crime, rinds gone away
What a crime, rinds gone away
What a crime, tempeh soufflé

(Buggin' You's)The Right Thing to Do

2011-07-12T07:30:00.007-04:00

(to Carly Simon's "The Right Thing to Do")

There’s software you can use on cell phones today
Tappin’ anyone’s cachet
I read your fouls, and the words a buffet
Buggin’ you’s the right thing to do
Buggin’ you’s the right thing

I’ll show you lad, this rad trick from noble News Corps
I’ll show you and you’ll hack like crazy
Tap their important chats, you’ll find their lives are not secure
Buggin’ them’s the right thing to do
Buggin’ them’s the right thing

And the news for me, sends a smile
Rights of people, blown right out the door
Cellular serves a treasure to me
I’m all a quiver, brings me reams of headlines,
Stories pour

Hacking all your plans, prints a page of howlers
For I’m readin’ all your secret wrongs
How I love this technique, you care to respond?
Buggin’ you’s the right thing to do
Buggin’ you’s the right thing

Something we can always do, we’ll take you away from you
Yes, we’ll hack your phone and we’ll hack your mail
Stories grown from ten thousand texts displayed
We’ll print you tomorrow, cos’ we bugged you today
It’s the news game
It’s your life on a page.

Stout

2011-07-08T07:19:00.006-04:00

(to Tears for Fears "Shout")

Stout, stout
Is there no doubt?
Darkest of drinks I can’t live without
For fun
The heavier brew
Want one

Stout, stout
Don’t make me shout
Bring unto me, I feel parched without
Someone
Bring Guiness to me
Come on

This hearty pal
Tis potion that has quelled my soul
A black and tan
They’re really filling, makes me slow

This opaque find
A draught I drink, a flowing joy
Drink slow this stein
Or else you’ll greet the floor, dear boy
It’s best to drink the

Stout, stout
Have I lost count?
Serving of bread served from pouring spout
I’m drawn
This darkest of brews
I’m fond

Don’t serve it iced
That temp’rature will make me yell
For cool is nice
For warmer makes a fine detail
Not frozen like a pale or ale

Stout, stout
Oatmeal is out
Irish I drink, tis the one I tout
So yum
It’s heavy like you
Want one

Stout, stout
Serve it with kraut
Slice me some cheese, just a small amount
Come on
The sharper will do
Munch on

And when I’m drinkin’, darts will soar
My throws are so dee-vine,
I rarely hit the wall or board
So cover all the parts adored

Stout, stout
Heavenly fount
Cure for the blues, it'll help your gout
Someone
Enjoy one with me
Come on

Stout, stout
Don’t be no lout
Bring one to me or I’ll punch your snout
Come on
I’m slurring at you
Crum on

We Want a Treat

2011-07-07T19:53:00.003-04:00

(to the Go-Go's "We Got the Beat")

See the kitty acting really sweet
Loving, kind, she cozies up to me
See her eyes, cunning, we all know
She’s just biding her time

She wants a treat
She wants a treat
She wants a treat
Purrrr
She wants a treat

All the kids, yeah, they are no one’s fool
They do chores and work hard after school
Smiles abound, they know it all too well
Their routine is refined

They want a treat
They want a treat
They want a treat
Mom!
They want a treat

Work my tail off, wanna have a chance
Chase money, need me an advance
Will you excuse me, back to dollar dance
A Benjamin is fine

I want a treat
I want a treat
I want a treat
(ka)Ching!
I want it!

We want a treat
We want a treat
We want a treat
(Whether money
Maybe a suite)
We want a treat
(Want mo’
Need to be with elite)
We want a treat
(Want mine-right now)
Now want now want now!

Mute To Be Mime

2011-07-05T07:31:00.003-04:00

(to Nick Lowe's "Cruel to be Kind")

Well, Teddy sought to learn a
New trade
Found a class to attend
Just on his weekends
He found his calling
Justified
But friends were
Mystified
With the art he pursued
His teachers gave him
This advice
They said

You gotta be
Mute to be mime
Gives the crowd pleasure
Mute to be mime
Keep your little tongue tied
Mute to be mime
Pantomine rules you
Teddy
You’ve gotta be mute to be mime

Well, he quit his job to start his
New gig
In the malls he performed
The aud-ee-ence lukewarm
He built his act up
Made rebound
To fans he rocked the house down
A win for my friend
The teachers taught him
To pretend
They said

You’ve gotta be
Mute to be mime
Make your moves measured
Mute to be mime
And the crowd’ll be kind
Mute to mime
Key to your world view
Teddy
You’ve gotta be mute
To be mime

Well he did his best till July
Last year
When he gasped and he died
And voice wouldn’t outcry
He died in makeup
Awed the crowd
And when docs probed and checked ‘round
Physician then said
“A diagnosis
To explain
Poor Ted…

“It’s plain to see
Death for our mime
Is the blood pressure.
Death for our mime
Was a quiet decline.
Now I define
Mute was his undo.
Sadly
His ailment was mute
(ailment was mute)
Like a mime.”

When You Walk Into a Bar

2011-07-04T10:28:00.002-04:00

(to Jiminy Cricket's "When You Wish Upon a Star")

When you walk into a bar
Treat your server like a star
Any drink your mouth desires
They’ll make for you

Make your server gal a queen
If she ain’t, just call him king
When you walk into a bar
Act kindly, do

Don’t be swine
Don’t curse at those with mugs
Or feel the bouncer’s slugs
Boys big and brawny

Don’t ingest four hundred brews
You may fall and head may bruise
When you walk out of a bar
Your legs you’ll use

(picture of Cahill's bar in Durham, Texas)

Welcome Stranger

2011-06-27T23:03:00.002-04:00

Boom!
And the dark shines
Brilliant and loud, it’s the growling of the cloud
A hello to below
Crackick, boom!
And the cat hides
Furious flight she is frightened of the light
A retreat of the meek
Crackick, boom, BOOM.
And the light dies
Brightened then night sense the prickle of tonight
And the smack of the crack
Crackick, boom, boom, BAM!
From the skies fly
Glassy low tech with a promise of the wet
And they pound on the ground
Drive all your drops down
Deep
Deep down
Deep
Deep down
(picture from FSPlanet.com)

iTunes

2011-06-22T21:58:00.006-04:00

(to Bob Seger's "Night Moves")

I have a box of old songs
Vinyl fortified sounds
Hip rock rants
Helped the morale
They were the black grooved Frisbees,
Details divine
With notes I could read,
Lyrics stashed inside
Held my breath and sighed

My precious albums
Are now old and faded
Just don’t have the need
With my discs upgraded
Purchase the MP3’s
Without any grooves

Purchased ‘em on iTunes
Thinkin’ bout my lost art sleeve so huge
Bought ‘em all on iTunes

In another time
What a sweet ‘nother time

My needle loved
Would go, flow through it
Pops, loud scratches
Were a sign of the times tunage
I would rush home
And listen, reward
Never really bored

And sweet stereo,
Speakers maxed, we knew
Heard the boom-boom, then finale
Saw the floorboards move

I bought songs
Songs brought me
All freedom, no cares
I was dancin’ upstairs

Now they’re all on iTunes
Tryin’ to fuse with past tense teenage moods
Tryin’ on the iTunes

And it’s now present time

A goal of techno
I start the typing

And I’m searching for a number
Searching for a number

I suppose those flights harbor man once younger
Box I’ve got, once way to wander
Started whistlin’ a song from 1982
Something funny ‘bout the iTunes
When your hand can’t feel the sleeve, a touch removed
Lost now on iTunes
A moment sought again.

My tunes…

Carry Out

2011-06-21T11:11:00.000-04:00

A laddie who thought he could croon
Had voice that was more like baboon
I said to his face
"I've got you a case
With this you might carry a tune."

Baritone Was Bleatin'

2011-06-19T22:58:00.005-04:00

(to the Mamas and the Poppas "California Dreaming")

Johnny made a sound
(Johnny made a sound)
As the choir sang
(as the choir sang)
Maybe more a squawk
(maybe more a sqawk)
Like a dying crane
(like a dying crane)

Many there were harmed
(Many there were harmed)
Ears were punctured that day
(ears were punctured that day)
Baritone was bleating
(baritone was bleating)
And now we medicate

Sang inside a church
We’re praisin’ God all day
Well we heard loud key of Z
(heard loud key of Z)
And saw the windows cave
(and saw the windows cave)
We feared the devil took a hold
(devil took a hold)
Were souls unholy's prey?
(souls unholy's prey)
Baritone was bleatin’
(baritone was bleatin’)
We all began to pray

“Lord, atrocious sounds
(Lord, atrocious sounds)
They resound with pain
(they resound with pain)
Please, Lord, for the flock
(please, Lord, for the flock)
Have the vocal tamed.”

Change came to the weather
(change came to the weather)
Lightning leap proclaimed
(lightning leap proclaimed)
Baritone won’t bleating
(baritone won’t bleating)
He’s now an alto Jane

Baritone won’t bleating
He’s now an alto Jane
Baritone won’t bleating
He’s now an alto Jane

Simple Truth

2011-06-19T08:48:00.002-04:00

A father is man like no other
A guide for both sister and brother
He's hated or loved
But thank God above
That dad took the time to meet mother.

I'd Like to Search the World with Bing

2011-06-16T06:48:00.004-04:00

(to the New Seekers' "I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing")

I like to browse on Chrome from home
And Google me some grub
Watch Aqua Team on Apple screen
And all while, sit on butt

I’d like to search the world with Bing
And download Harmony
I’d like to hold her in my arms
And love her vir-tual-lee

Or maybe meet a girl for once
On Warcraft’s battle land
As YouTube buffers newest thrill
I'll hack a school exam

Its surreal thing
In the world of today
Is the sun out today?
What’s the real thing?

Bagels

2011-06-14T07:38:00.000-04:00

I think that I want doughy treat
A bagel lovely I can eat
A treat whose chewy chews are best
Along with cream cheese gooey mess
A treat that fills a hole each day
A massive carbohydrate, yea!
I see my waist in summer flair
It seems there’s nothing I can wear
The one whose goodness I obtain
Who evidently brought me gain
Bagels are ate by fools like me
Who wear a pant size fifty three.

Zamfir

2011-06-08T23:21:00.005-04:00

(to Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir")

I was the son, deep frown and murky face
Friends rarely seen
My pa, a dabbler of bad tunes and tastes,
LP’s with grooves obscene
He’d smoke, saw embers of the cigarette
Would glow and smoke would stream
He’d play for days, the songs still resonate
I have barely healed

Tunes of wrong from flute of little taste
Bounced within my ears
Notes, never worst were heard, old man would play
The horror, still I hear
Uh oh
Uh oh

Nooo,
Sadly, I’m not lying
Mama
Still hear her a-cryin’
Nooo rest
I hear her pining
“Papa!
Pan flute is whining.
Pain defining.”

Still my knees
Fall to ground
Frightful hum
Hurtful sound
And eyes cry
Tears wet hand
Can’t they ban
That grating man?

Trapped in my mind
Trapped in my mind
Need relief...

Lived, I have, through the storm that aged my face
Did plot, yea, I did scheme
Found the stash of LP’s, fed my rage
Father's fast asleep
I grabbed them all and took to kitchen room
Our stove did prove a friend
Lit the heat, the vinyl’s doom
Loved broiling his Zamfir.

Said father, “Oh, the torment. Baked my grail.
A loss, to me and ears.
But made provision, son, a techno grace.
The songs, you see, are here.”

Uh oh
Uh oh

Turning on
Fluty song, I caved
When I heard
When I heard the CD’s play...

Tox Anne

2011-06-07T07:01:00.004-04:00

(to the Police's "Roxanne")

Tox Anne
She just wants to go under med knife
Wants bold make over
She just wants to pare her body to excite

Tox Anne
She now likes to wear her face too tight
Chiseled cheeks look funny
She will scare little ones and friends take flight

Tox Anne
She just had to go under med knife
Tox Anne
She just had to cut out the old life

Tox Anne
Add on an inch height
Tox Anne
Redo and re-write
Tox Anne
Add in some lucite
Tox Anne
Suck out and make light
Tox Anne
Add on and put right

Amazing how her boobs grew
They’re size of German V-2’s
She once was swell, now no sex appeal
And her nose resembles Illinois
I know she did a tum tuck
Today she pumped her rump up
Bubble buns
Booty's massive append
Reaches Bombay

Tox Anne
Now she has to stay home in daylight
Tox Anne
Now she needs to go under med knife

Tox Anne
Once was a lass nice
Tox Anne
Went under knife thrice
Tox Anne
Botox and slice, dice
Tox Anne
Thought she would en-tice
Tox Anne
Paid only list price

Tox Anne…

Mom Mobster

2011-06-02T20:26:00.003-04:00

(to the B-52's "Rock Lobster")

Loved her fam’ly heaps
Did her shopping chores after hours
She always looked out for a cop
For meals she’d plot a lot
Had picks for a lock
She’s a mom mobster

Yumm
Mom mobster
Yumm
Mom mobster

Mom mo-o-obster
Mom mo-o-obster

Chokin’ and garrotin’
Our laws she broke
Cops befuddled
Girl was subtle
She would make a jam
While planning giant scam!

Mom, mom
Mom mobster!
Growl…growl…

Mobster
Mom
Mobster
Go mom

Baked scaloppini
Cleaned and washed floors
Busy little mommy
Handy with a Tommy.

Lady never tired, lovin’ mom
Takin’ dineros
Lootin’
Just for fun

Chomped on her cee-gar
Blew up police car
Lass was cunning mother

She makes a soufflé
(so hot, so hot)
She drives a getaway
(screech screech screech)
She knows a blanket stitch
(whirrrrr)
Knew how to bait/switch
(yo-yo)
She hated blab snitch
(tattle rat a rat a rat)
Did all the veg choppin'
(ch ch ch ch)
Long walks with her chihuahua
(yippy yippy yahoo)
She packed a pistol
(click)
Thus ends an unseemly tale
(Bang!)

Mom mobster
Mom mobster
Mob momster
Mob momster….

Twitter

2011-06-01T20:55:00.001-04:00

There once was a man who did Twitter
They said he was truly go gitter
While twitting a tale
A lightning bolt sailed
And now he's no twitter, he's fritter

Antihistamine

2011-05-31T18:25:00.005-04:00

(to the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine")
In this song, antihistamine is pronounced, AN-tee-HISS-ta-MEEN

In the wind,
A hell is borne
Breeding clan
Who pummel me
And they rob
Me of my life
Pods’ll prod
The histamines

So I swelled,
And eyes did run
I would sneeze
A stream of green
Now I sweetly
Breathe with ease
Love my anti-
Histamines

Nose can breathe with an
Antihistamine
Stops unseemly scene
Antihistamine
Fixed my leak with an
Antihistamine
Keeps the sinus clean
Antihistamine

And my pets,
Whom I adore
Leaving allergens,
Dander pour
And the glands
Begin to chafe

Life’s okay with my
Antihistamine
Breathing is relieved
Antihistamine
Pets can stay cos of
Antihistamine
Nose is now redeemed
Antihistamine

Stop leak in head, Mr. Zyrtic
Stop leak in head
Stopped leak over here, Zyr.
What’s the weather? What’s the weather?
Count high, sir. Higher.
Swollen, swollen!

When you live
A life of sneeze
(Bless you please)
Not a one of us
(Thatsa none of us)
Love pollen breeze
(From sleazy trees)
What to do
(When achoo)
In season green
(Flee the scene?)
Grab my anti
(Handy dandy)
Histamine
(Brings relief…yee haa!)

Life’s more grand with my
Antihistamine
Keeps my world serene
Antihistamine
Nose gets hand with my
Antihistamine
Nasal med supreme
Antihistamine

Perk

2011-05-28T10:01:00.004-04:00

Bitter character in a cup
Sweet enough to peel an edge back and bark
Appealing is revealing
Corpuscles squealing
See sanguine eyes?
Now sanguine eyes
I cradle you, my warm cup of mourning
For the evening has passed on
There be joy in the wake.

Birthday Wish #3

2011-05-28T08:49:00.002-04:00

A birthday should be like a ballad
Rhythmic and loving and valid
No birthday should reek
Or wrinkle or leak
For that would be more like old salad.

Vogon Poetry Corner Volume 2

2011-05-24T07:36:00.003-04:00

Of Hair and Appetites

Rake my mullet, my sweet flaky biscuit in burgled borscht
Dance the ancient polka of panini and char my ventricles with hot poky thingys
Alas, this feeble benign bunion bellows and yearns for Budokan
Fie! Fie! Crispy koalas and smoothies on a stick
Feed my dentured molars with your pleasing plurality of pensive pistachios and pernicious pompadours
Crackle me some, good fellow of Budokan
Crackle some and begone like the crabs of cream.
Urp.

His Master's Wiley Way

"Pooch," he clamored with foul intent of talcum
"Sit and stare, and let not your eyes avert from this bag of delicious lamp."
Complied he, and he stared long like a very thin lake of lava trees
No bark came from tongue, but waggle and Purina bits
The scent...
Heavenly stench of judicious jam jarred in January
The dog, he barked
The lamp sat, lit and lascivious like an evening with cattleprods
"That'll do," he spat.
And he spat again, softly, serenely, psychotropically.
Yea, he did do it.

Avoid Again, Lovely She

2011-05-22T19:46:00.006-04:00

(to Gilbert O'Sullivan's "Alone Again, Naturally")

See that little gal from town
How her heart's blooming like a fresh flower
I wanna step up
And then fess up
And, dammit, instead I cower

I’m finding I cannot
I chide myself oft
I’m a hopeless rube
I am awkward, too
She can never like… it won’t matter

I write some lovely verse
But am cursed
Won’t sway that lady

I type this stuff,
I tear it up
My trash bag, see it’s straining

I’ll let this bird alone
A chance again I’ve blown
Avoid again
Lovely she

I think, therefore, I’m doomed to lay
I’ll avoid the light of day
Will the solitude
Fix attitude?
Or fix card I’m about to play?

But I’ll dream of life we’ve found
Harsh fallacy brings a cloud
I could make her lunch
Or a nice brunch
Red wine and assorted cheeses

Sadly, I’ve no doubt
While we’re out
We’d get too thirsty

And all those urgings, must resist
Whispers, “Undeserving.”

Chafed my power to feed
I’m folly man in need
Avoid again
Lovely she

The scenes I’ve schemed
Prepared in my heart
Floating round the girl
They can’t be blended
Life, won’t upend it
No plan’ll do.
No plan’ll do.

Avoid again
Lovely she

I’m hoping time mellows the feel
And remember less her appeal
I surrender, no bride
For I’m older guy
Always wanting, no hope appears

For a thousand-five year old
I’m damaged goods sans a soul
I’m immortal man
In a moonlit land
I’m forever damned and forsaken

Playing out the part
After dark
Make bodies broken

Must fight infernal taint in me
But blood in veins have spoken

So if she passed away
I’d die again that day
Avoid again
Lovely she

Avoid again
Lovely she

Sinister Girl

2011-05-22T00:17:00.003-04:00

(to Neil Young's "Cinnamon Girl")

I wanna run
From a sinister girl
I would go crazy
And flee for my life
From a sinister girl

An ice pick in crisper
Garrote on the stand
Her favorite weather
Absence of sunlight
My sinister girl

Two handed axes
A knife for a beau
And calculates chances
With eyes all aglow
She’s a sinister girl

In scheming adventures
Our fatale delights
A faint scent of leather
Setting her scene right
Our sinister girl

She’s never boring
Sounds
Like Peter Lorre
Afoul
She needs a new romance
Beware her steamy sultry glance.

Yeah….

Before the Gold Rush

2011-05-22T00:02:00.004-04:00

(to Neil Young's "After the Gold Rush")

We all heed and seek the siren dollars calling
Leaving nothing but vapor scenes
Though it’s pleasant seeking
The current’s fleeting
Not an unsolved mystery
Say, is it worthwhile knowing,
Wizened ones
That the currency's a tease?
Simple human nature can’t outrun
All the purchased niceties
Simple human nature can’t outrun
All the purchased niceties

Were you looking for a full engagement
In the fool’s room in the sky?
Were you looking for amusement
All the sun beams you could buy?
Don’t understand clinging to what’s said
When you’ve dashed what’s been supplied.
Are you thinking the words that the prophets said:
“We’re just joking, it’s all a lie.”
Are you hoping the words that the prophets said:
“We’re just joking, it’s all a lie.”

When you see your gold and silver payments drying
Can you mellow, praise what was done?
All possessions dying
And no one's buying
Tell me then, will world be won?
Don’t be a dream, just be the means
For making all undone
Hear the last commandment’s simple plead
Be immune and don’t succumb
Hear the last commandment’s simple plead
Be immune and don’t succumb